Category Archives: Death

Friday Things

Posted in bread, budgeting, budgets, cancer, cooking, Death, frugalism, husband by

I had a good day yesterday. After infusion, I went over to the fancy Nugget. It is beautiful, but I could definitely not AFFORD to shop there. I was going specifically to check what RG beans they had. They didn’t have a big selection, but I did pick up one bag. Interestingly, the price was the SAME as on the RG website.

I haven’t tried these, so I’ll check them out. Then I also bought a fancy sandwich to share with my daughter, Texas hold ’em. I had my half after I came home. Also bought some milk and half and half that I needed. Overall, it is a beautiful store, but way out of my price range. I picked up some radishes that at Winco would probably be 79 cents, and they were 1.99, so yeah:( I’ll stick to Winco, TJ’s occasionally, and Costco, and now using the month free trial ( actually $1) at Walmart.

I do like the Walmart delivery, and my daughter did a pickup after work( it’s right there on her way home). She wanted some Bubbly water and apples, plus she threw in a few other things. She said it was super easy, so we may do that going forward. My daughter hates shopping, so this works well for her.

After I came home, I started on some freezer meatloaf and some spaghetti sauce. Not too sure about the meatloaf. I followed a NYT recipe, but it kinda looked weird, so I won’t know till I bake it.

Since today is a DEX day, I don’t drive or get on step ladders, so I’ll just potter around and see what I get done. I have a load of laundry to fold and a loaf of sourdough to bake. I’m using a loaf pan to see how I like that rather than the dutch oven.

Some more California poppies and the loaf pan.

Wow, it’s May 1st. A little over 10 months since Barclay died. I miss him every day. I miss our life together. 🙁

Saturday happenings

Posted in bread, budgets, California, cooking, Death, Walking by

The estate planner meeting lasted all of 5 minutes to just sign the papers. She was going to record them that afternoon. Then the county mails back the paperwork to me. All good.

I walked this morning, and no one was around except the geese. It was nice. I did feel sad that one little gosling had been separated from its family, and the 2 adults it was trying to be with kept attacking it, which I’ve seen happen every year. Sad, it won’t make it.

Today I have a plain sourdough to bake, no inclusions.

This one is the everything bagel seasoning. The blueberry cream cheese one was interesting. I like the blueberries, but not the cream cheese. I froze most of it, thinking it would make a good breakfast bread /egg casserole. I wanted to bake this one in a loaf pan, but my cast-iron one is too small. I will need to buy a USA loaf pan to do that. I do have my pullman pan so maybe I’ll try that today.

The archive stuff my daughter has been doing is having an exhibit today. It’s for Sierra College’s 30-year time capsule. So we are going to go see that and get lunch out.

I finished watching Season 3 of Resident Alien. There is a season 4, so I’ll start that at some point. I then started Untamed, which takes place in Yosemite, and I like it so far. That’s on Netflix.

It’s cloudy today, and it looks like there is some rain forecast for tomorrow. But then next week looks really nice.

Thankful Thursday

Posted in budgeting, budgets, California, Death, Gratitude, velcade by

Well, after spending more than 2 hours at the AAA office and running over to the county recorder’s office, most of the problem is handled. The young man helping me was spectacular and really handled the issue well and with confidence. We still need to wait 5 days for them( California Fair Plan) to process and approve. Why wouldn’t they? But who knows, they needed not only the death certificate but the trust record, hence the trip over to the recorder’s office. Hopefully that’s all. What a pain in the ass.

So I am thankful I followed through, and it’s done( I hope). Nothing will change with the mortgage, even with his name still on the loan. (As far as I can gather, it can stay there, and the loan remains the same. I think from what AI said, it would take doing a ‘new mortgage’ to do that, and I am completely not willing to do that. I will need to have an estate lawyer update the trust, though with just my name, but I’ll get to that eventually.

I’m thankful I got a swim in, and when I got there, it was not super busy, but later it did get very busy.

After the pool, I went to Costco for coffee, and I saw more lavender plants, so I bought just one. I also picked up the Dawn power wash, some breaded chicken on sale, and some Easter chocolates.

My Velcade is this morning, and I’m grateful it’s not raining. It was raining quite a bit yesterday, and driving in the rain is not my favorite thing to do. After my shot, I plan on going down to the library and dropping off the books because they are due in a few days. I won’t use the gym as I usually don’t try to exercise after the chemo is in my system.

From there. I’ll come home and tidy up a bit. My daughter leaves for work early, so usually there is stuff to do, like emptying the dishwasher. Otherwise, same old same old.

Friday Things

Posted in budgets, California, camping, cooking, Death, swimming, travel by

I have most of my budget ready for April. Some DMV items (Santa Fe)need to be paid for, and I need to do a smog on the Santa Fe. Also, the next installment for Allstate will come due in April. I ordered a replacement battery for my Dyson 8 from Amazon. I haven’t ordered too much over the last few months, so I’m pleased with that. Amazon is almost a necessity for things like that. I also need to order the porta-potty for camping when we go up to Tahoe because we’ll be in my son’s tent for that trip. There are very nice bathrooms at Nevada Beach, but that doesn’t help me at night 🙁

I plan on doing a freezer challenge to lower food costs. Last month(end of Feb and March through the 25th), came in right under $400. That includes a Costco shop, which usually (always) includes some stock-up items. So overall, I’m pleased.

The send Dad off in New Brighton ended up being a little spendy, but not bad considering the room didn’t have a microwave to heat food up. I used Starbucks GC when I could, and that saved some money. My daughter also paid for a few things. The biggest expense is a hotel room, of course. That’s one reason I loved Rubi because over the course of the time we traveled, staying in Rubi covered the cost of the RV vs hotels. Well, sadly, that is not my life now. Of course, I still need to sell Rubi and just haven’t bothered yet, especially since my son stays out there when he is here.

I’m already checking on hotels in Napa for a one-nighter. I wish I could stay at the Fairgrounds campground that B and I loved so much, but it’s not possible. I found a very nice room for around $200, and it does have a mini kitchen and a seating area, which is the one thing I would have liked in the other room. My daughter works T-F, so it has to be a Sunday night. I’ll have to see whether I can swing it even with it going on a card with the other things I have this month.

We have a change in the weather coming next week, cooler and rain. This has been such an early spring.

I plan on going to the pool this morning if I can get going. Since lap swimming ends at 9:15, I need to be there earlier. I’ll see how I feel by 7:30. Yesterday, I washed sheets and pulled out my summer curtains to iron. I also made up some chicken enchiladas with green chile sauce. That used up some frozen chicken. Then I pulled some black beans that had been frozen in the Souper cubes and heated them up. Very tasty.

My daughter has been weed-eating as everything is growing so fast. Last year, with Barclay in hospice, the weeds took over, and I had to hire someone to come and do it because they were out of control. This year, she’s keeping up on it. She also planted the 2 lavender plants I got at Costco. I don’t do much in the yard these days, but I love sitting out every day looking around at how beautiful the yard is and how fortunate we are to live here.

There’s Chester checking things out and the wisteria.

Hello Ocean!

Posted in California, camping, cancer, Death, husband, travel by

We had a great trip to Santa Cruz, Capitola, and Aptos. Since we left on Sunday, traffic was light and reasonable even through San Jose.

We did get there almost exactly as I planned at 12. From there, we went straight to Gayles for sandwiches and then down to New Brighton State Park. It was crazy busy, but we expected that as it was Sunday. After a few hours, we checked into the hotel, which was in Aptos. Quite nice, although a few things could have been better, but that’s nitpicking a little. The beds were comfortable and the location great. I rested up for a bit, and then we went to a Mexican restaurant in Aptos. That too was busy, but we were seated right away and had delicious food. The servings were huge, and since we couldn’t reheat them, we had to leave the leftovers. Before we went to the restaurant, we went to Sunset State Beach, and there were benches that I could sit on, and my daughter went down the stairs to the beach and walked. The third picture is the view from the upper parking lot where the benches were.

The next morning, we went back to New Brighton, and Dad had his Bon Voyage. My daughter took him out to a tide pool, and he washed away with the waves. I think he would have liked that.

We got coffee and breakfast next back at Gayles. I love Gayles. It is the primo cafe with the absolutely best food and pastries.

After we finished, we went to Santa Cruz and filled up with gas at the Costco. Then we went out to the lighthouse and walked the trail some.

The road in front of the lighthouse goes on to meet Natural Bridges State Park. It’s maybe a 3-mile stretch that goes along the coastline. We parked and took our camp chairs down to the ocean and chilled for a few hours.

When we were ready for lunch, we walked back up to the picnic tables and ate there. We wanted to go to the gift shop there, so we did, and I bought some cute Monarch Butterfly pins. Natural Bridges is one of the migratory stops for the Monarchs. We didn’t see any outside, as it might have been just a bit late for them. All in all a great day.

The hotel had a lovely outside dining area with a koi pond, so we had a light dinner there. Back in the room, I watched some Young Sherlock on my MacBook Air.

The next morning, we checked out and then got coffees and breakfast things from Starbucks and went back to Sunset Beach and ate there. This time, we drove down to the lower area and parked. The ocean is right there in the lower area. This is a very popular beach because it is quite flat and goes on forever, so people can walk quite far. The one picture above is the old ship that has been there a long time.

We had a good drive home without any delays. Traffic going in the opposite direction was insane, with stop-and-go for miles. We were glad we were going in our direction.

So, thankful we could do this and send B off. I still need to tally up what we spent on food and misc. After doing this trip, I feel pretty sure I don’t want to pull anything, even a tent trailer, so that makes things a little clearer. I’m still processing, but that seems to be the direction I’m going in. Obviously, if I had money, I’d buy a used Sprinter van, but right now that’s not affordable for me. So the process keeps going on.

Menu Monday and a BIG shout out to Frugal Girl!!

Posted in budgeting, budgets, California, camping, cancer, cooking, Death, home stuff, Lake tahoe, travel, Uncategorized, velcade by

Frugal Girl has a huge blog following and deservedly so. But she never speaks of politics till now, and I am very Thrilled she has stood up and spoken out against the horrors of this administration, especially with the murder of Alex Pretti, a fellow nurse. I’m sure it was difficult for her to do, especially as she is an evangelical Christian. Although we are as far apart as can be on religion, I respect her immensely for all she has gone through and accomplished. She is an exceptional person, and thank you, Kristen, for using your voice.

I’m just a small blogger, but I will not shy away from speaking up about the wrongs this administration is doing. AND THE LIES!! You can see with your own eyes what went down, and to have them disgrace a wonderful human being is sickening. May Karma catch up to them in the end.

On to mudane things in my life.

The menu changed up a bit as one night we had ramen because we felt like it.

Last night I baked some chicken, and we had that with baked butternut squash and salad.

Monday- I think I’ll try to do the baked fish with something. I really want to empty out the small refrigerator freezer, and the fish is in there.

Tuesday- Mexican something. I have beans frozen, so I could do beans and something. I don’t have any enchiladas, but I could buy some if I get to Winco. We do love Amy’s cheese enchiladas.

Wednesday- I have some Trader Joe’s orange chicken to use up, and I could make jasmine rice to go with it.

Thursday- ?? Maybe a curry, as I have tofu to use. We really like tofu curry with rice.

Friday- Pizza of some sort. We finished up the last Costco one for lunch the other day, and it was pretty bad, so I won’t buy them again. The frozen pizza that we liked the best was Home Run Chicago Pizza, and I think only Safeway carries that.

Saturday-? TBD

After e-messaging my oncologist, Dr. Laptalo, he suggested half an Imodium for the IBS. So I’ve been doing that, and so far it’s been fine. It’s been about a week with no issues, so I’m happy about that. I went to the gym and library the other day, and no surprises. I’m not sure what triggered it, but I think the body remembers certain things, and with the Velcade, it responded to that. Dr. L thought it could have been Velcade, as the timing was right. I don’t know, and all I want is not be ‘surprised’. I’m planning on going to the pool this week at least once, so that will be sort of my marker. I overcame this before, and I will overcome it again.

I’ve had zero luck with getting a spot at Nevada Beach. My only theory is that because it is such a beautiful camping spot on Lake Tahoe and there are so few spots, getting one is getting harder. Reservations are now into the end of July, and I think I’ll skip those for now. Tahoe in the summer is not my favorite, as it is overrun by tourists.

And I’m still not sure what I would camp in. I still have Rubi, but I will try to sell it this spring. I do have the one night booked at Tahoe in June, but I can handle one night in a tent. Any more than that, I doubt I’d want to do. This probably is one of the hardest for me to accept with Barclay gone, that certain things, like camping, can’t be the same. The question is still, how do I want to go forward?

Well, this has gotten quite long, so that’s it for now.

A new year,2026!

Posted in California, Death by

I, for one, am glad to see the back of 2025. It probably was the worst year I’ve ever had. The death of a spouse is really awful, and after all the stuff Barclay went through in his first round of cancer( the MDS), it just seems so unfair. But look at all the ones who die young, like Tatiania Kennedy, only 35. Geez, now that seems unfair. Well, life is what it is, no matter how you spin it. As I’ve always said, it is what it is, what it is. 🙁

It’s raining again, so I didn’t walk. I might try to put my rain jacket on in a while and go down to the park. As long as it’s not pouring, I can use an umbrella. I guess I’ll wait and see.

I plan on making a pizza tonight, as I made the dough yesterday. We had our fun sub sandwiches and watched some of the new Dr. Who. It’s only fair in MHO. It seems geared towards adolescents. But I’ll watch a few more. I do like the new doctor.

I’m thankful to wake up and feel ready for the day.

I’m thankful our house is warm and dry.

I’m thankful that my daughter has taken on all the tasks B did, and she’s doing an amazing job. ( like getting the wood splitter moved, started, and used to split some of the larger pieces of wood.)

I’m thankful my son stayed home and was not out on the roads for NYE.

I’m thankful for the time that is given to me. That’s all we can do, is decide what to do with the time that is given us. Gandolf the grey.

Mujō (無常)

Posted in bread, budgeting, California, camping, cancer, Death, husband, Myeloma, simplicity, Uncategorized by

The transient and ever-changing nature of things. As with Wabi Sabi, impermanence of things and the beauty in the imperfect.

Mono no aware, Mono no aware (物の哀れ): 
This term translates to “the pathos of things” and is an aesthetic appreciation for the transient nature of life. It involves a gentle sadness or wistfulness at the passing of things and a deep sensitivity to their ephemeral nature. That’s exactly how I feel in my life. It feels somewhat ‘unreal’ Barclay is not here with me to laugh with, joke with, travel with and everything in between. But I do take comfort in he’s not suffering anymore. It was a very difficult painful last 3 months of his life. Well, now to fall.

Fall is in full swing, here in N. Ca, I get the feeling of Mono no aware and Mujo, and wabi Sabi all rolled up together. We’ve had rain and cloudy days, as well as Tahoe-like days with big, fluffy clouds. I’ve had a few twinkly fires already, since the house stays cool even if it’s nice outside.

Just to back track a little here:

Barclay and I practised Zen Buddhism for many years after our Quaker roots seemed to fade away. However, Quakerism and Buddhism are very similar in fact. Both embrace simplicity and a WAY of life. Of course, Quakerism is rooted in a Christian context, and Buddhism in Eastern philosophy as taught by Buddha.

Right now, the impermanence of life is very real for me and maybe somewhat depressing. I am trying to embrace the Mujo concept because it does help me get through the day and realize that life does go on, and it will for me what whatever time I have left. Some of that is on my mind because of my rising kappa light chains and thinking about having to change treatments by January if they continue to go up.

I know that things will change, and I need to change too. But for now, I’ll try and take comfort in Mujo and mono no aware.

On a brighter note, my kids put together a very nice birthday for me. My son came and took a huge load to the dump( which I wanted done). We got a Round Table pizza, and my daughter had gone to Safeway for some small squares of cake to share. I didn’t have any champagne that day to celebrate, but I will soon.Turning 73 is not much different than 72 for me. The real change for me was at 70. Then I felt like I was getting old. Now, I’m old and just keep trying to do the things I love like swimming, walking, the gym and I hope some day in the near future doing some camping again. If i could afford the camper type van that’s what I’d do. We still ( my daughter and I) are going to check things out sometime in the spring. A small tent trailer is very doable, but I like the idea of self contained. Time will tell. Also, If I got one I’d get a loan so that the payment would be what we were paying for rubi. And we’d have the trailer as our trade in.

Well, I’ve rambled on a bit here, so that’s it for me. I do have the day home today after going to the gym yesterday, so I’ll do some tidying and make some sourdough bread.

Reorganizing for one.

Posted in California, cooking, Death, decluttering, husband, ikea, Uncategorized by

Actually, it is my daughter and myself here but the reorganizing is really for me without my husband.

I’ve been reorganizing his office area where he had his computer, files etc.

I’ve mostly cleared out B’s desk area and shelves. I’m leaving some things of his there as mementos. On the wall are some of his oldest Dylan records he had as a teenager. Some on Dylan’s first albums. The next step is to take the desk out since I have my desk area in a different space. His Ikea shelves I’ll leave there as my daughter has cleaned out and painted the studiio so some odds and ends are getting placed on the shelves. ( the star war figures and some other things). But old notebooks, plus all his UCD notes etc, I’ve tossed. I’m using some Ikea white cardboard boxes to keep his favorite T shirts and hats in for now. They’re on the shelves too.

His dresser, (an older Heywood Wakefield), I mostly emptied but havent put much back in there. I have his belt buckles in a box and then some trinkets of his in another box. The kids took the stuff they wanted so really all that’s left is some odds and ends besides the important stuff. The dresser will stay where it is in the bedroom because at night when I get up I use that to lean on to feel stable before I go into the bathroom.

In reorganizing the closet, I just have my jeans and T=shirts and some sweaters hanging plus what’s left of his. I have his UNFI jackets hanging there too. I’m certainly doing a lot less laundry and that is nice in a way, sort of. B always did the laundry so I’m doing some now but mostly my daughter takes out what I put in the laundry bag every few days. Usually, we’d do laundry,(one small load), a day.

Of course, I’m organizing my weeks differently since I don’t have all his medical appointments to do. Having cancer and getting treatment is a full time job especially when things are going wrong like needing platelets and blood transfusions. So now, it’s just my appts and they are pretty low key.

I’m still organizing my swim, gym and library days though. This week is different becasue I had 2 appts and the PGE tree guys are going to be here and I’m not sure if that’s going to end up one day or two or more. Even after the tree is down, the wood reclamation guys need to come get it all. So that leaves me not able to get to the pool or gym until maybe Friday?? Next week is also off since I have the sleep apnea test and that means going to Roseville one day to pick up and then another day to drop off so that will not leave me too many choices for swimming or the gym.

Reorganizing the kitchen and food prep is also ongoing. We are just not eating the same. I’m not sure if it’s because there’s one less person or if it’s just summer blues, but meal time has been difficult. I’m actually starting a list of what we’re actually eating as some stuff has been tossed because we’re not eating it. I’ve always done menu planning ,like forever, and that has gone out the window. I still have my meal plans but am just not using them. Maybe down the road, but with just the two of us, not sure if that’s necessary. I’ve gotten rid of extra dishes, pots and bowls too because we aren’t using half of it. I’ve also reorganized pantry stuff. I’m only using two of my Far Nienete wine crates for food storage. I still need to go through and see if anything is dated or not.

Simple Sunday and how things are going.

Posted in Blood test, budgets, California, camping, cancer, Death, freezer cooking, Walking by

Well, it’s been 2 months since Barclay died. Most stuff is handled, but there are still outliers. We need to sell the motorcycle and the trailer. We’re going to try for the motorcycle in September when it cools off. It may or may not sell. It’s a specific niche of a bike, so we’ll see. The trailer is another story, and I’m emptying it out slowly. Most of the camping stuff I’ll store so we can use it if we get the tent trailer.

Some things that need official death certificates, like the bank, I still need to do. Other things like PGE, and I’m just leaving alone for now. The water bill I got changed to my name alone. He had one cc in his name, and I’m leaving that too, as they will close that if it’s not used. I’ve put a lock on it, so that should be ok.

I’ve cleaned out some clothes, etc, and I have a few more things to do. Some favorite T-shirts I’m saving.

It’s definitely a strange place to be.

This coming week, I have my labs, and I’m getting another steroid shot in my knee. We also have PGE coming to take the big tree with a crane. They figured out the other big tree wasn’t in their system, although Barclay tried to get them to add it. Well, maybe another time. The one they’re taking is a huge tree with a lot of lean, and that’s why they need a crane. I’m concerned for our water line, but I will tell them to be careful how they drop tree parts. The other tree I suspect we’ll have to pay for at some point, but I can’t think about that now. So that’s going to be a very anxious day for me, as my anxiety goes way up with stuff like that. Usually, if B were here, he would handle it, and I would leave, but he’s not.

The rest of the week looks fine. Although I don’t know what day PGE is coming until Tuesday, when he’ll call me.

Right now, our weather has cooled and is quite nice. I’ve enjoyed sitting outside. Today is also nice, and then it looks like it heats up again later in the week.

My motivation to do things is very low. I’m pretty much forcing myself to go to the pool or the gym. I’m sure this will pass with more time, but for now, it’s weird for me to feel unmotivated. I did have a nice walk this morning, though. It’s been busy at the park during the week, so I’m not fond of passing 6 people walking, but today was empty, except for two guys fishing in the pond. In the past, when it got busy, I’d just go earlier and then no one’s there, but right now I’m not motivated to get there any earlier. 6:00 a.m. is about my limit, considering I get up at 5:30.

I’ve baked a few things in the Souper Cubes, and it’s loads of fun. I did banana bread and then zucchini bread. They are food-grade silicon, so you can bake right in them. Very cool. I froze most of it as my daughter and I can only get through so much.

Well, that’s it for the most part. just day by day.