Category Archives: Death

Am I a minimalist??

Posted in books, California, Death, decluttering, home stuff, simple foods, simplicity, Uncategorized by

After reading the latest book,

I’m pretty sure that’s a spoof on her ‘author’ moniker.??

I wondered what I still had that was not really worth keeping. Or was it now something no longer needed? I’ve gone through a lot of shelves, drawers, closet ( we only have one closet) and took a hard look at things. Some things are left to deal with later, but a great deal was eliminated.

The author asks, “How do you want your home to ‘feel?’ “and then this is your why. I really want things to be simplified. It’s that simple. I want things to be uncomplicated and simple. Simple meals, simple house chores, simple maintaining the house, etc.

One of her tidbits was to go around your house and identify what irritates you or bugs you, and toss or throw them in the goodwill box. I like that idea.

This is part of the latest pile. 🙁

Of course, having my husband just die is a motivator. Some of the things to let go of are those that I have no use for. Half-used notepads, a zillion pens, old T-shirts. ( I have saved some of his T-shirts like Grateful Dead, for now. I don’t know how I’ll feel in 6 months. Here I thought we had really prepared for his passing by getting rid of things, but honestly, it’s a shock what’s there. We have been on our minimalism journey for over 15 years, and here I am scratching my head going”why”?

As I’ve always contended, life is about change and trying to be in the season of your life as it is. I’ve never been here before, so I have to make the changes.

I’m not planning on canning in the near future, for example. So I don’t need a bizillion canning jars. I’ve given away on our Pay it forward group over 3 dozen jars. Now, of course, I’m holding back getting rid of my water canner and my All-American. Why? I don’t know, except I like canning, and I still might in the future. That is too early to tell, because this year, with Barclay dying, we didn’t have any garden. So time will tell on this one.

Even the yard stuff has been a lot. My son has done 3 trips to the dump already. And we still have at least 2 more that are mostly old wood. All this should have been done long before now. We’ve lived here 30 years, and well, stuff does accumulate, especially old wood from projects, scrap metal, old coolers, etc. I’m seriously thinking of hiring someone who does junk to get rid of it.

I suppose all things change as our attitude, circumstances, and perspective change. I’m glad mine is continuing to evolve and change with my current circumstances. I just wish Barclay were here to do this with me. 🙁

Simple Sunday

Posted in budgeting, California, cancer, Death, decluttering, home stuff, husband, Walking by

The light is shifting in both the morning and evening. The other day was Lammas, so cross-quarter. For some reason, I always feel the shift, even if it’s 90 degrees out. My walk this morning at 6 am was nice, and again, it’s just a tad darker. No one showed up, which was unusual. Generally, there is at least one or two people. So that was nice. I’m still not up to a full mile yet with my knee, but I’m getting there.

Today, I plan to go to the Auburn gym and then drop a load off at Goodwill. It’s a bit of miscellany from around the house. I’ll do another round when I get motivated to go out to the garden shed. Since Barclay died, I haven’t had much motivation with things, but I guess that’s normal.

My son and daughter moved the trailer to a new spot, so the tires aren’t in the same spot. I haven’t been out there yet, but I will go out today. I also need to continue taking things out, like dishes. I won’t get rid of them because our plan is to get the tent trailer, so we’ll need stuff for that. I think the ease of pulling a tent trailer will suit my daughter and me.

We started watching the New Star Trek, with Captain Pike. It’s really quite good and really keeps to the Star Trek theme. It’s on Paramount, if you’re interested. I also watched the PBS production of Patience. It’s really a rerun of the French Astrid, but I enjoyed it. I also finished watching Murder on an Island, which takes place off the coast of Canada near French Quebec.

It’s my son’s birthday this week. 31 yo. Where does the time go?? He was a wonderful child, and he has grown into a wonderful young man. There are 9 years between my daughter and him, and he was a BIG surprise. I remember saying, I’M WHAT??? I was almost 42 when he was born.

Well, what things are you up to these days? I read a few blogs, but not as many as I used to. I do love peeking into other people’s lives. I guess that’s why I was a psychology major in college, and counseling in graduate school, and clinical psychology in a doctoral program, which I didn’t finish. No regrets, it was all a journey.

Simple Sunday

Posted in Blood test, California, camping, cooking, Death, home stuff, Walking by

I haven’t slept well on Dex these past few nights, so I feel like I’m running on empty. Hopefully, a nap today will catch me up. I go for my labs tomorrow and should have some results by Thursday. Fingers crossed it’s about the same. I felt so low, I didn’t even walk this morning, which is my favorite morning to walk.

Our weather is finally going to cool down, and next week looks super nice. I’d like to get back to eating out on the patio again. Plus, we can get more watering done if it’s not crazy hot.

We had a busy day yesterday with chores in town. We dropped off a load at Goodwill, went to the car wash, then down to the paint store. My daughter has a keen eye for color and picked some lovely shades of green for the studio. I picked up some misc we needed, like bee traps.

Then my son came over and did the metal load to the dump. He thinks there’s one more load of junk, and then the old wood would be the final trip for this year at least. I’m going to walk out there later and survey the situation. He hung around long enough for my brother to show up with tacos for us all. My brother needed my daughter to help him with some computer stuff. So all in all, a nice little family gathering.

I have my trip to the coast booked, and I’ll be bringing some of B’s ashes with me to scatter. It won’t be much, it’s sort of a token gesture. He loved that part of the coast, so it’ll be nice to be over there in his memory. After that, it’s still the Tahoe trip, but it’s completely undecided how we are doing it. I have the reservations(of course, because you have to book 6 months out), but I don’t really want to trailer with Rubi. We’re tossing around a few ideas, but nothing solid yet. I’m fairly sure I’m going to sell the trailer, but when is the question? Frankly, it’s too much for me to handle maintenance etc. Plus, I can’t drive the truck to even pull the trailer, and I have no desire to learn that. I don’t want the trailer just sitting there and not being used. So we’ll see. The thought has crossed my mind to see about a trade-in for something else, but I’m not sure what yet, so?? I guess these are the adjustments you just have to make when someone dies.

I’m staying home today and doing a once-around-the-house tidy up. I’ve washed inside windows and dusted. I have some brown rice cooking for dinner and plan on making a small rice chicken casserole. I have chicken shredded from the freezer that I want to use up.

I ordered a pair of compression socks from Bombas, and I hope they will help my legs. My knee seems to be doing ok, but my legs do get a sort of tired syndrome, so I’m hoping compression socks can help that. I guess that’s what nurses wear for their 12-hour shifts. I’ve decided I am going to get the next steroid shot, so I’ll call and see when I can get that. Does anyone wear compression socks regularly?

Other than that, not much else is happening. What’s happening in your neck of the woods? It’s always interesting to read about how other people live and the weather they have.

Simple Sunday on Monday

Posted in Blood test, books, California, cancer, Death, Myeloma, reading, Uncategorized by

This heat wave we’re having is doing me in. 96 yesterday and the same for today. Ugh. I think a bit of a cooling trend starts on Tuesday, but it’s not huge. I read all my library books, so I picked from my shelf some old Hillerman and looked through some decluttering books. You know I’m desperate when that starts happening. I do plan on going to the library tomorrow so I can get my hold and a few others as well. I was planning on going on Thursday after my Velcade shot, but my hold expires by then, so I need to get it before that.

Menu planning is still hit or miss these days. I still have the basic menu plan going of using things from the freezer and fridge, but I’m not super motivated. It’s probably a combination of the heat and just finding a new ‘normal’ balance. My daughter bought an air fryer on Prime Day, so she’s been experimenting with that. So far, she’s made sweet potato fries and wild cod in panko. Both excellent.

Sunday- used up a bag of Trader Joe’s chicken chow mein with added chicken.

Monday- Tofu something as I have 2 containers to use up. I also have some broccoli to use.

Tuesday- I’ve been feeling like crock pot pintos, so I think I’ll do that with tortillas and avocado if they’re ripe. I bought the bag(6) from Costco. It takes a while for them to ripen, but as soon as they start to ripen, I put them all in the fridge and they will last weeks in there.

Wednesday- I think we’ll do spaghetti with marinara and maybe some meatballs.

Thursday- Freezer meal of some sort. I need to go out to the chest freezer( that’s in our outside laundry room) and check.

Friday- I’ll make a pizza if it’s not too hot.

Saturday- ?? TBD

Today I’m going to meet my library friends for a coffee. They have been very supportive, and the one gal is the one whose husband died of Myeloma a few years back. His Myeloma came on very fast, he was in his 80s, and Sutter really didn’t address his issues or treatment till it was too late. It was very sad.

All in all, things are ok. I’m still cleaning out B’s desk of odds and ends, like pens and notebooks. Nothing major, just a little at a time.

I have my Velcade shot this week and then Dex days. Actually, the dex isn’t too awful when I do it between 2 days. It’s still Dex no matter what, but it’s less intense. Then I’ll go get my labs next week.

Friday Things

Posted in budgets, California, cancer, Death, frugalism, husband, peritoneal mesothelomia, Uncategorized by

I’m still processing things from Barclay’s death. It’s very weird, honestly, to be the person left to keep on going. I take some comfort in that he lived a good life and got to be 74, almost 75. Look at those poor kids in the Texas flood who didn’t get past 10. Very sad. The last year has been so hard watching his decline, and the last 3 months were pretty awful. He really didn’t have a chance with peritoneal mesothelioma. It’s just one of those cancers that you don’t get over and go into remission. I got the letter already from SS, which I’m happy about, so I don’t have to go into the office. I’m losing over $1000 a month, so quite a hit. I’m sure there will be ways to figure it out. I cancelled his UHC, so that and his Medicare covers almost $500. Insurance is outrageous. The rest, I don’t know. I do plan on selling the Triumph in a few months, so that will, if it sells, generate a few dollars. The totally weird thing was when I called Allstate to take him off as a driver, she said our insurance WILL GO UP ANOTHER $125. WYF??? After talking to our local agent, she got it to go up only $65, so half. The issue is his good driver discount being taken off. JFC, really? Oh well, done is done.

I’ve gotten through most of my list of things to do. There’s still the bank where I need to take him off our account, but I’ll get to it eventually.

As I said, very weird to deal with this stuff. We all miss him so much.

My daughter ordered this from Shutterfly. We hung it out on the upper patio where he spent the last 4 months of his life sitting when the weather was nice.

Frugal wise, I haven’t been spending too much. I did order a new Speedo from Amazon on Prime since I need a new one. I go through a swimsuit about once a year, with the chlorine from the pool. It was 30% off, so it was a good deal. I also bought some black frames for some watercolor pictures my daughter has done, and some that B did too.

I signed my daughter up as a user on my Costco card, so she went in after work and did some shopping. I appreciate the effort. Mostly it was flavored waters, olive oil, coffee, and some wild cod. She’s very susceptible to histamine attacks, so she’s been on a low-histamine diet, hence the fish purchase. The total came to a little over $100.

Our weather is very hot, and the coolers are running most of the day. If I close everything up, I can usually wait till 11 am, and I always turn them off by 8pm, even if it’s still hot out.

I started going to LLS every morning to apply for my grant, but so far, there’s no luck with funding. I’m hoping the wait isn’t too long, as I depend on that money for my insurance.

My son is using B’s truck since his car( older Subaru) is leaking oil. So he got off work early yesterday and took a load to the dump. There are still 2 more to go with metal stuff, and then the old wood from the chicken coop. It was hot yesterday, so I appreciate him doing it and getting it done. I’m pretty sure we’ll keep the truck, but unsure about Rubi. I just don’t know if I can emotionally handle going out in the RV without him. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see when the time comes, and we can plan something. My daughter has volunteered to be the driver, which she can totally handle; it’s more me dealing with it. Plus, Rubi is really designed for a couple, not 2 people. It’s one bed, and the couch does fold down, but it is very uncomfortable to sleep on. So another decision down the road.

Well, that wraps up what’s going on here.

How’s things in your world?? Summer plans?

Thankful Thursday

Posted in California, Death by

It’s been a week since B died. I miss him every minute.

I’m very thankful for all the work my daughter did to keep up with the meds, etc. At the end, it was quite intense of very 2 hours, so she did a great job.

I’m thankful to the hospice nurses as they were right on everything and so quick. When we needed the hospital bed, it was here in 3 hours and set up.

I’m thankful for the outpouring of love from his friends/coworkers on Facebook. He was much loved by his peers. There have been such nice comments about Barclay.

I’m thankful we are not under that heat dome like back east. Our temperatures are going up this next week, but still in the low 90s. So not too bad. We’ve had the coolers running, but that’s expected.

I’ve worked through some paperwork about B, but not all. I have to go get the physical copy of the death certificate, and I’ll do that next week. I’ve cleared off some things from his desk, but there’s still more to do. I also packed up some clothes for Goodwill, but there’s more to do there as well. I haven’t turned off his phone yet and will do that next week. That’s a hard one.

I got a nice phone call from Dr. Singhal about B and how sorry she was about it all. She is an extraordinary oncologist, and I know she did all she could. I did ask her to contact his BMB team from before when he had MDS, and she said she would. I’m sure they would want to know.

Well, that’s all the updates for now. Although, in other news, the tragedy on Lake Tahoe was just awful. We’ve seen squalls come out of nowhere, and those boaters shouldn’t have been out on the lake. Sad. And it was a birthday cruise for his mom. What a tragedy.

A beautiful evening to die.

Posted in California, cancer, Death by

Barclay died at 6:57 on Juneteenth. A fitting day for him as he was all about equality, diversity, and inclusion. He was a conscientious objector during the Vietnam War because of his Quaker beliefs. So Juneteenth was a perfect backdrop.

We were all there ( both kids and I), and it was a cool sunny evening. Death is never pretty, but he died as peacefully as expected.

At some point, we will take his ashes to the Lake Tahoe area and scatter them. There are quite a few things to take care of, but I figure I’ll get to them when I do. We had all the important stuff done, but now there’s still misc like removing him from different accounts and such. I’m not in any hurry, and like I said, I’ll get to it eventually.

I miss him. I guess after being with someone for 55 years, that’s expected. In some ways, we had a storybook life of adventure and travels. Money-wise, we never did that one very well, but here we are.

My daughter was amazing in the last few days, taking care of medication every 2 hours and keeping track of things. The nurses were all impressed with her efficiency. My son is having a harder time with it all, but he’s been here helping do stuff and move things back to where they go since we had a lot of equipment in here. Everyone grieves differently, and I suspect him keeping busy will help him.

Still smiling! He loves his Triumph motorcycle.

Up at Tahoe House in Tahoe City, ca

In healthier times.

Menu

Posted in California, cancer, cooking, Death, husband, meal planning by

We are eating very light salads and meals.

Sunday night, we had a Greek pasta salad, and B ate some! That made me happy.

Monday- left-over Greek salad, and my daughter made a pan of polenta with herbs and cheese.

Tuesday- something Mexican. I have beans and rice, so I just need to add a protein.

Wednesday- I want to use some pasta (fettuccine from TJ’s) in the freezer. I’ll add grilled chicken or some shrimp.

Thursday- Again, some freezer meal to keep working our way through stuff. Plus, I have a container of spring mix to use for a salad.

Friday- not sure. My son is coming up to get the truck and smog it. He’s spending the night because the next day he’s going to do a dump run. Of course, all this depends on how B is doing.

All in all, we’re keeping it very simple. Nothing too involved. Just simple food.

Anyone who has had cancer or is going through end of life recognizes how small your world becomes. You just don’t go out a lot or even really care about much except what’s next. I’d love to go down to the pool or the gym, but I’ll have to see how each day shapes up. If I can, I’ll try and do something this week.

We did a phone intake with hospice yesterday. It was very thorough, so we’ll see what today brings.

Simple Sunday

Posted in budgets, California, cancer, Death, husband by

First, I want to thank subscriber T for a generous donation to help us through our rough times here. I’m always so humbled that people would consider this at all. Maybe it has to do with feeling insecure about my value or even this blog. But T, thank you for thinking of us.

Another warm day here in N. Ca. I’ve been closing the house down by 8am so the cool stays inside. We turned the coolers on a little earlier yesterday and will again today.

I walked yesterday and today in the park. I’m still not quite up to the .75 mark, but close. I got to .68. No one has been there, which has been very nice. Just me and all the Canada goose families. I’ve done really well this week, not using my cane and trying to walk steadily. I’ve done my PT exercises every other day, and I do think, especially, the ones on the massage table are helping. I just need to keep it up and not think that if my knee feels better to stop.

Now, for some recapping of the situation. B’s doctor said there’s nothing more to do. The PET scan showed disease progression, so the immunotherapy is not doing anything. She was very compassionate about it all. Now we wait for hospice to call us, which should be tomorrow or at least early next week. It is incredibly sad and feels a bit surreal. I’m sure those who have lost a spouse can relate. My son is taking it particularly hard, and I hope he feels he can talk to me. All in all, it really just means waiting, which is also incredibly hard.

We had reservations to go to Tahoe for Father’s Day week, and that will be tough to realize we won’t do that anymore. I haven’t cancelled the reservation yet, probably because of denial. But I will do so this week.

I’m trying to do my ‘normal’ stuff to keep things normal, I guess. Once we meet with hospice, we’ll know more about how to proceed. I don’t have a clue, really.

I hope you out there in blog land are having a Simple Sunday. If you want to share what you’re doing today.

A picture of the coreopsis and a cactus

Stanford Medical Center

Posted in California, cancer, Death, husband by

We got home quite late last night after the worst drive I’ve ever had. We left around 1pm after B had labs done.

From there, it was bumper-to-bumper traffic all the way to Livermore. Then it started all over again. Traffic was so congested on the freeway that I was completely shocked. Was this normal Friday traffic? Then it continued even as we got on 5 north. Then apparently an accident kept traffic at a crawl ALL the way to Sacramento. It was horrendous.

But to go back to the beginning. The Medical Center is certainly state of the art. Beautiful and so big.

We did have a nice drive down with only 3 tiny slowdowns. We got to Palo Alto Stanford Medical Centre by 12:45. Since our appt was 2 we had lots of time to relax and regroup. Dr. Lee had his Resident doctor come in first to go over things and then he came in. He’s the surgeon who does the Hipec. So he planned out, first Barclay will do 3-4 rounds of the chemo. Then sometime in the third round a PET scan to see if the tumors are smaller. Then if the chemo has worked he will do a laparoscopy on his abdomen to look at the tumors with a camera. Depending on all that it might be surgery after that. It’s all a bit iffy at this point.

We left feeling positive and confident he is the leading expert in this field in N.California.

We headed over to the hotel and checked in. It was almost 4 by then and we we’re pretty tired so we rested a bit. Oh, we had stepped at Safeway to get something to snack on. We had seen a Mexican place on our way to the hotel so we shared a dinner there around 7. We were quite tired by then and just watched a little TV before lights out.

The next morning we headed back over and parked by 10 am. His appointment was at 11. But, then the appt was late and we only got in to see Dr. Neal’s NP at almost 12noon. I was definitely feeling annoyed as I wanted to get on the road. But after running through everything AGAIN with the NP, he went out and discussed things with Dr. Neal. So Dr. Neal is the leading expert on Peritoneal Mesothelioma. He was quite honest and straightforward that there is no cure and the best they can do is lengthen his life with the chemo and the Hipec if he’s eligible. I appreciated his candor. He talked about lots of other things but the main jist is 3-4 rounds chemo. Hopefully getting the tumors smaller and stabilized. He certainly wasn’t a warm and fuzzy kind of guy but more to the point. I liked him for that though especially when he said, it doesn’t matter where it came from the point is to go from here to help you live longer. He sees mesothelioma patients all the time so I guess he’d know.

So then we left feeling positive for the most part. I mean there is going to be some difficult times ahead but that’s then.

So then came the worst drive of my life home and I’m not kidding. But we got home safely at least.

Today, B has to go pick up about a zillion prescriptions. One of the prescriptions has a huge copay and we said no way are we bankrupting ourselves for this, so the patient advocate is filling out something for the financial aid? or grant? I ‘m not sure what, but I know we’re not doing it.

Today is just a regroup day and plan out next week with Barclay’s first chemo on Wednesday.