Our weather has been cold but not rainy. The highs are at 58, and the lows are at 42. It looks to be the same for the next week at least. I’ve been using the space heaters some and the wood stove is used daily.
I had a nice swim this week and also went to the gym and library. Overall, a good week exercise-wise. My replacement Merrills are on the way, but it’s still about a week out. I’ve been wearing my Hokas in the house, and that helps some with my foot. My foot, at least, hasn’t gotten worse and is somewhat better.
We had a very nice Thanksgiving. The dinner turned out well, and it was nice. Of course, without Barclay here, it was different and sad but we all raised a glass of champagne to him:)
I’ve been writing out small lists of things to do each day, only 2 or 3 things, and it’s helped me stay on task. Nothing major, but things like wiping down the shelves, dusting the Easton Press books. Just little things. What I don’t get to, I put on a list for the next day. So far, it’s been good for me.
I made a turkey wild rice soup from leftovers yesterday. It was very good, and I put some servings in the Souper cubes to freeze. I need to do a menu for the week sometime today.
I plan on going to the Auburn gym this morning, and then I need a few things from Safeway. Mostly, salad stuff and fruit.
My son texted me yesterday with a picture of one of the truck’s tires, and Whoa!!! It looked like it had hit a pot hole or something and had a big gash in it. He’s taking it in for tires today. I’ll give him some $ for most of it from my EF, which will leave it quite low, but that’s what it’s there for.
This coming week is my Velcade shot and then Dex. I see Dr. L next week, so I’ll have new labs by then, I hope.
The transient and ever-changing nature of things. As with Wabi Sabi, impermanence of things and the beauty in the imperfect.
Mono no aware, Mono no aware (物の哀れ): This term translates to “the pathos of things” and is an aesthetic appreciation for the transient nature of life. It involves a gentle sadness or wistfulness at the passing of things and a deep sensitivity to their ephemeral nature. That’s exactly how I feel inmy life. It feels somewhat ‘unreal’ Barclay is not here with me to laugh with, joke with, travel with and everything in between. But I do take comfort in he’s not suffering anymore. It was a very difficult painful last 3 months of his life. Well, now to fall.
Fall is in full swing, here in N. Ca, I get the feeling of Mono no aware and Mujo, and wabi Sabi all rolled up together. We’ve had rain and cloudy days, as well as Tahoe-like days with big, fluffy clouds. I’ve had a few twinkly fires already, since the house stays cool even if it’s nice outside.
Just to back track a little here:
Barclay and I practised Zen Buddhism for many years after our Quaker roots seemed to fade away. However, Quakerism and Buddhism are very similar in fact. Both embrace simplicity and a WAY of life. Of course, Quakerism is rooted in a Christian context, and Buddhism in Eastern philosophy as taught by Buddha.
Right now, the impermanence of life is very real for me and maybe somewhat depressing. I am trying to embrace the Mujo concept because it does help me get through the day and realize that life does go on, and it will for me what whatever time I have left. Some of that is on my mind because of my rising kappa light chains and thinking about having to change treatments by January if they continue to go up.
I know that things will change, and I need to change too. But for now, I’ll try and take comfort in Mujo and mono no aware.
On a brighter note, my kids put together a very nice birthday for me. My son came and took a huge load to the dump( which I wanted done). We got a Round Table pizza, and my daughter had gone to Safeway for some small squares of cake to share. I didn’t have any champagne that day to celebrate, but I will soon.Turning 73 is not much different than 72 for me. The real change for me was at 70. Then I felt like I was getting old. Now, I’m old and just keep trying to do the things I love like swimming, walking, the gym and I hope some day in the near future doing some camping again. If i could afford the camper type van that’s what I’d do. We still ( my daughter and I) are going to check things out sometime in the spring. A small tent trailer is very doable, but I like the idea of self contained. Time will tell. Also, If I got one I’d get a loan so that the payment would be what we were paying for rubi. And we’d have the trailer as our trade in.
Well, I’ve rambled on a bit here, so that’s it for me. I do have the day home today after going to the gym yesterday, so I’ll do some tidying and make some sourdough bread.
Actually, it is my daughter and myself here but the reorganizing is really for me without my husband.
I’ve been reorganizing his office area where he had his computer, files etc.
I’ve mostly cleared out B’s desk area and shelves. I’m leaving some things of his there as mementos. On the wall are some of his oldest Dylan records he had as a teenager. Some on Dylan’s first albums. The next step is to take the desk out since I have my desk area in a different space. His Ikea shelves I’ll leave there as my daughter has cleaned out and painted the studiio so some odds and ends are getting placed on the shelves. ( the star war figures and some other things). But old notebooks, plus all his UCD notes etc, I’ve tossed. I’m using some Ikea white cardboard boxes to keep his favorite T shirts and hats in for now. They’re on the shelves too.
His dresser, (an older Heywood Wakefield), I mostly emptied but havent put much back in there. I have his belt buckles in a box and then some trinkets of his in another box. The kids took the stuff they wanted so really all that’s left is some odds and ends besides the important stuff. The dresser will stay where it is in the bedroom because at night when I get up I use that to lean on to feel stable before I go into the bathroom.
In reorganizing the closet, I just have my jeans and T=shirts and some sweaters hanging plus what’s left of his. I have his UNFI jackets hanging there too. I’m certainly doing a lot less laundry and that is nice in a way, sort of. B always did the laundry so I’m doing some now but mostly my daughter takes out what I put in the laundry bag every few days. Usually, we’d do laundry,(one small load), a day.
Of course, I’m organizing my weeks differently since I don’t have all his medical appointments to do. Having cancer and getting treatment is a full time job especially when things are going wrong like needing platelets and blood transfusions. So now, it’s just my appts and they are pretty low key.
I’m still organizing my swim, gym and library days though. This week is different becasue I had 2 appts and the PGE tree guys are going to be here and I’m not sure if that’s going to end up one day or two or more. Even after the tree is down, the wood reclamation guys need to come get it all. So that leaves me not able to get to the pool or gym until maybe Friday?? Next week is also off since I have the sleep apnea test and that means going to Roseville one day to pick up and then another day to drop off so that will not leave me too many choices for swimming or the gym.
Reorganizing the kitchen and food prep is also ongoing. We are just not eating the same. I’m not sure if it’s because there’s one less person or if it’s just summer blues, but meal time has been difficult. I’m actually starting a list of what we’re actually eating as some stuff has been tossed because we’re not eating it. I’ve always done menu planning ,like forever, and that has gone out the window. I still have my meal plans but am just not using them. Maybe down the road, but with just the two of us, not sure if that’s necessary. I’ve gotten rid of extra dishes, pots and bowls too because we aren’t using half of it. I’ve also reorganized pantry stuff. I’m only using two of my Far Nienete wine crates for food storage. I still need to go through and see if anything is dated or not.
The light is shifting in both the morning and evening. The other day was Lammas, so cross-quarter. For some reason, I always feel the shift, even if it’s 90 degrees out. My walk this morning at 6 am was nice, and again, it’s just a tad darker. No one showed up, which was unusual. Generally, there is at least one or two people. So that was nice. I’m still not up to a full mile yet with my knee, but I’m getting there.
Today, I plan to go to the Auburn gym and then drop a load off at Goodwill. It’s a bit of miscellany from around the house. I’ll do another round when I get motivated to go out to the garden shed. Since Barclay died, I haven’t had much motivation with things, but I guess that’s normal.
My son and daughter moved the trailer to a new spot, so the tires aren’t in the same spot. I haven’t been out there yet, but I will go out today. I also need to continue taking things out, like dishes. I won’t get rid of them because our plan is to get the tent trailer, so we’ll need stuff for that. I think the ease of pulling a tent trailer will suit my daughter and me.
We started watching the New Star Trek, with Captain Pike. It’s really quite good and really keeps to the Star Trek theme. It’s on Paramount, if you’re interested. I also watched the PBS production of Patience. It’s really a rerun of the French Astrid, but I enjoyed it. I also finished watching Murder on an Island, which takes place off the coast of Canada near French Quebec.
It’s my son’s birthday this week. 31 yo. Where does the time go?? He was a wonderful child, and he has grown into a wonderful young man. There are 9 years between my daughter and him, and he was a BIG surprise. I remember saying, I’M WHAT??? I was almost 42 when he was born.
Well, what things are you up to these days? I read a few blogs, but not as many as I used to. I do love peeking into other people’s lives. I guess that’s why I was a psychology major in college, and counseling in graduate school, and clinical psychology in a doctoral program, which I didn’t finish. No regrets, it was all a journey.
We had a wonderful trip to the coast. Google Maps had us going a way that Barclay never went, so we bypassed both Sonoma and Santa Rosa. I suppose if we had the trailer, we would go the way we always did, as these roads were definitely ‘country ‘roads.
We decided to get lunch at ‘The Tides’ snack bar, which is not in the main restaurant area. It was a good choice. Most places were packed with day trippers, I suppose from the Bay Area. We drove down to where Spuds is, and the line to get in was down the road. Definitely, not my style.
After lunch, we drove up the coast and walked around some. By then, our room was ready, so we headed back into Bodega. We relaxed the rest of the day.
The next morning, we had our free continental breakfast at The Tides and then headed up to Wrights Beach to have our ceremony. No one was on the beach, so that made it nice. We sent B off into the waves while listening to music. Of course, he was the ‘Dylan’ guy, so we played ‘Knock Knock Knocking on Heaven’s Door, Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah, LOTR’s ‘Into the West, and a few more. It was foggy, and the tide was coming in, so it seemed quite mystical. I felt good about it.
We checked out the campground ( where we’ve stayed lots of times) and decided that after we get the tent trailer, we’ll come back. Barclay and I’s last trip over there in Rubi was in March last year, before everything started going south.
When we headed back, we decided to go to Spuds,
and there was no line, and we got a table. The BEST clam chowder ever.
So what a difference a day makes. We also stopped at the kite store, which we always did when the kids were small, and we picked up a couple of whirly gigs that B loved for the yard.
We headed back to the room to rest some before figuring out dinner. We decided to do Fishetarian that B and I loved.
It wasn’t too busy, but the food wasn’t as top-notch as when we had gone before. It was good, just not superb. After that, we went back to the hotel, sat out on the patio, and opened our Veuve Clicquot champagne. Boy, was that excellent.
I’m glad we did the trip for Barclay, and now the last place will be Tahoe.
My son did a great job staying here with the cats, so now my daughter and I can maybe plan some more trips in between her work schedule.
Today, I’m staying home to do some cleaning and just relaxing.
Frugal-wise, I’m not in the Cotswolds like Mavis over at $100 a month. She probably should change the name of her blog. But she’s got the money, so why not enjoy it? Plus, she loves England.
Here in my neck of the woods, N. Ca, it’s been too hot to do much outside. The temps are much nicer in the coming week, but still some 90’s, and I saw it gets in the low 80’s, so that will be much nicer. I miss sitting outside in the mornings and afternoons.
Money-wise, just paying bills, and I had to pay the overpayment from SS. It’s ok, I’ll deal with it. It’s done, and I’m going forward. I just need to work the budget with the SS I’m getting. I’m still working on my credit card bill because I put the cremation on there. But I should be able to knock it down next month. I hate having a balance. But needs must.
After my Velcade shot, I stopped at Costco to pick up some lox for the bagels I bought at Noah’s. I also picked up some rose wine( my favorite) and a Gloria Ferrier champagne-type brut. I wanted Mumm rose, but they were out.
I gave my daughter $100 in cash to buy the paint for the studio. She’s really done a great job clearing it out and rearranging it to suit her. We might go get that today as long as she drives, since I’m on Dex. I don’t sleep well on Dex nights, and last night was no exception.
I also have a food bank donation to drop off and some more stuff for Goodwill.
I’ve almost finished most of my list of things to do related to B. If something comes up, it’ll be an outlier I don’t know about. I may take care of a few things today or not. It depends on my focusing on which Dex does affect. So we’ll see.
I’m still debating getting the next steroid shot for my knee. Mostly it’s ok. When I try and do a little extra walking or swimming, it acts up, but then I seem to recover the next day. The shot did help quite a bit, so there’s that.
I’m still processing things from Barclay’s death. It’s very weird, honestly, to be the person left to keep on going. I take some comfort in that he lived a good life and got to be 74, almost 75. Look at those poor kids in the Texas flood who didn’t get past 10. Very sad. The last year has been so hard watching his decline, and the last 3 months were pretty awful. He really didn’t have a chance with peritoneal mesothelioma. It’s just one of those cancers that you don’t get over and go into remission. I got the letter already from SS, which I’m happy about, so I don’t have to go into the office. I’m losing over $1000 a month, so quite a hit. I’m sure there will be ways to figure it out. I cancelled his UHC, so that and his Medicare covers almost $500. Insurance is outrageous. The rest, I don’t know. I do plan on selling the Triumph in a few months, so that will, if it sells, generate a few dollars. The totally weird thing was when I called Allstate to take him off as a driver, she said our insurance WILL GO UP ANOTHER $125. WYF??? After talking to our local agent, she got it to go up only $65, so half. The issue is his good driver discount being taken off. JFC, really? Oh well, done is done.
I’ve gotten through most of my list of things to do. There’s still the bank where I need to take him off our account, but I’ll get to it eventually.
As I said, very weird to deal with this stuff. We all miss him so much.
My daughter ordered this from Shutterfly. We hung it out on the upper patio where he spent the last 4 months of his life sitting when the weather was nice.
Frugal wise, I haven’t been spending too much. I did order a new Speedo from Amazon on Prime since I need a new one. I go through a swimsuit about once a year, with the chlorine from the pool. It was 30% off, so it was a good deal. I also bought some black frames for some watercolor pictures my daughter has done, and some that B did too.
I signed my daughter up as a user on my Costco card, so she went in after work and did some shopping. I appreciate the effort. Mostly it was flavored waters, olive oil, coffee, and some wild cod. She’s very susceptible to histamine attacks, so she’s been on a low-histamine diet, hence the fish purchase. The total came to a little over $100.
Our weather is very hot, and the coolers are running most of the day. If I close everything up, I can usually wait till 11 am, and I always turn them off by 8pm, even if it’s still hot out.
I started going to LLS every morning to apply for my grant, but so far, there’s no luck with funding. I’m hoping the wait isn’t too long, as I depend on that money for my insurance.
My son is using B’s truck since his car( older Subaru) is leaking oil. So he got off work early yesterday and took a load to the dump. There are still 2 more to go with metal stuff, and then the old wood from the chicken coop. It was hot yesterday, so I appreciate him doing it and getting it done. I’m pretty sure we’ll keep the truck, but unsure about Rubi. I just don’t know if I can emotionally handle going out in the RV without him. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see when the time comes, and we can plan something. My daughter has volunteered to be the driver, which she can totally handle; it’s more me dealing with it. Plus, Rubi is really designed for a couple, not 2 people. It’s one bed, and the couch does fold down, but it is very uncomfortable to sleep on. So another decision down the road.
I dont really need to go into it any more than that as I’m sure you are all aware of how awful that bill is and how many 17 million people will lose health care. What a travesty. History will tell the tale of this being the worst administration in history. It’s cruelty, racist, white nationalism, harming LGBTQ+, and on and on and on.
I managed another swim so I feel like I’m slowly getting back to some routine. The pool was glorious as it was not busy. I feel I’m floundering with my schedule so I would like to try and figure out a ‘new’ one going forward. I’m also somewhat depressed so I’m not feeling very motivated but hopefully this will pass.
After the pool, I went across the street to Winco and spent $75 some of that was wine for the week ahead. Then I crossed the parking lot and went into Trader Joes. I spent about $100 there but got lots of our favorites. I picked a few frozen meals, hatch chile and macaroni , and their green chile tamales too. I also got eggs, milk, bread and some other basics.
I’ve had some very touching cards from a few people about Barclay but the 2 most endearing were the two people who donated to a tree planting in B’s name. We too are going to plant a tree this fall for him. He loved trees and his BA was in forestry so there’s a link plus all the years he worked part time for the Forest Service were important to him. He was a firefighter for a number of years( starting in 1974) with the Forest Service and we kind of think that may have had a link to him getting the mesothelioma, although know can ever really tell. I think our best guess is it was just a break down of DNA like him getting MDS, a blood cancer. Unfortunately, meso, is a tumor load cancer and therein lies the difficulty with treatment.
I’ve gotten through quite a bit of tasks to be done but there are still more to do which I hope to finish next week.
He was on KVMR radio for 25 years as a broadcaster with his show being all about Dylan. So he has quite a few CD’s of his show so I plan on buying a CD player so I can listen to some. Of course, we had an old CD player that we used for camping but got rid of that when we got Rubi.
Sunday night, we had a Greek pasta salad, and B ate some! That made me happy.
Monday- left-over Greek salad, and my daughter made a pan of polenta with herbs and cheese.
Tuesday- something Mexican. I have beans and rice, so I just need to add a protein.
Wednesday- I want to use some pasta (fettuccine from TJ’s) in the freezer. I’ll add grilled chicken or some shrimp.
Thursday- Again, some freezer meal to keep working our way through stuff. Plus, I have a container of spring mix to use for a salad.
Friday- not sure. My son is coming up to get the truck and smog it. He’s spending the night because the next day he’s going to do a dump run. Of course, all this depends on how B is doing.
All in all, we’re keeping it very simple. Nothing too involved. Just simple food.
Anyone who has had cancer or is going through end of life recognizes how small your world becomes. You just don’t go out a lot or even really care about much except what’s next. I’d love to go down to the pool or the gym, but I’ll have to see how each day shapes up. If I can, I’ll try and do something this week.
We did a phone intake with hospice yesterday. It was very thorough, so we’ll see what today brings.
First, I want to thank subscriber T for a generous donation to help us through our rough times here. I’m always so humbled that people would consider this at all. Maybe it has to do with feeling insecure about my value or even this blog. But T, thank you for thinking of us.
Another warm day here in N. Ca. I’ve been closing the house down by 8am so the cool stays inside. We turned the coolers on a little earlier yesterday and will again today.
I walked yesterday and today in the park. I’m still not quite up to the .75 mark, but close. I got to .68. No one has been there, which has been very nice. Just me and all the Canada goose families. I’ve done really well this week, not using my cane and trying to walk steadily. I’ve done my PT exercises every other day, and I do think, especially, the ones on the massage table are helping. I just need to keep it up and not think that if my knee feels better to stop.
Now, for some recapping of the situation. B’s doctor said there’s nothing more to do. The PET scan showed disease progression, so the immunotherapy is not doing anything. She was very compassionate about it all. Now we wait for hospice to call us, which should be tomorrow or at least early next week. It is incredibly sad and feels a bit surreal. I’m sure those who have lost a spouse can relate. My son is taking it particularly hard, and I hope he feels he can talk to me. All in all, it really just means waiting, which is also incredibly hard.
We had reservations to go to Tahoe for Father’s Day week, and that will be tough to realize we won’t do that anymore. I haven’t cancelled the reservation yet, probably because of denial. But I will do so this week.
I’m trying to do my ‘normal’ stuff to keep things normal, I guess. Once we meet with hospice, we’ll know more about how to proceed. I don’t have a clue, really.
I hope you out there in blog land are having a Simple Sunday. If you want to share what you’re doing today.
I've been married for nearly 20 years to a wonderful husband and I'm a mom to three great kids ages 17, 16 and 14. Oh, and I just happen to have cancer. Multiple Myeloma is a cancer of the blood that is currently incurable but IS considered highly treatable! My goal is to make people laugh, cry or feel a little less alone whether you are a mom, cancer patient or BOTH!
Tahoe Girl 