Tag Archives: Death

Mujō (無常)

Posted in bread, budgeting, California, camping, cancer, Death, husband, Myeloma, simplicity, Uncategorized by

The transient and ever-changing nature of things. As with Wabi Sabi, impermanence of things and the beauty in the imperfect.

Mono no aware, Mono no aware (物の哀れ): 
This term translates to “the pathos of things” and is an aesthetic appreciation for the transient nature of life. It involves a gentle sadness or wistfulness at the passing of things and a deep sensitivity to their ephemeral nature. That’s exactly how I feel in my life. It feels somewhat ‘unreal’ Barclay is not here with me to laugh with, joke with, travel with and everything in between. But I do take comfort in he’s not suffering anymore. It was a very difficult painful last 3 months of his life. Well, now to fall.

Fall is in full swing, here in N. Ca, I get the feeling of Mono no aware and Mujo, and wabi Sabi all rolled up together. We’ve had rain and cloudy days, as well as Tahoe-like days with big, fluffy clouds. I’ve had a few twinkly fires already, since the house stays cool even if it’s nice outside.

Just to back track a little here:

Barclay and I practised Zen Buddhism for many years after our Quaker roots seemed to fade away. However, Quakerism and Buddhism are very similar in fact. Both embrace simplicity and a WAY of life. Of course, Quakerism is rooted in a Christian context, and Buddhism in Eastern philosophy as taught by Buddha.

Right now, the impermanence of life is very real for me and maybe somewhat depressing. I am trying to embrace the Mujo concept because it does help me get through the day and realize that life does go on, and it will for me what whatever time I have left. Some of that is on my mind because of my rising kappa light chains and thinking about having to change treatments by January if they continue to go up.

I know that things will change, and I need to change too. But for now, I’ll try and take comfort in Mujo and mono no aware.

On a brighter note, my kids put together a very nice birthday for me. My son came and took a huge load to the dump( which I wanted done). We got a Round Table pizza, and my daughter had gone to Safeway for some small squares of cake to share. I didn’t have any champagne that day to celebrate, but I will soon.Turning 73 is not much different than 72 for me. The real change for me was at 70. Then I felt like I was getting old. Now, I’m old and just keep trying to do the things I love like swimming, walking, the gym and I hope some day in the near future doing some camping again. If i could afford the camper type van that’s what I’d do. We still ( my daughter and I) are going to check things out sometime in the spring. A small tent trailer is very doable, but I like the idea of self contained. Time will tell. Also, If I got one I’d get a loan so that the payment would be what we were paying for rubi. And we’d have the trailer as our trade in.

Well, I’ve rambled on a bit here, so that’s it for me. I do have the day home today after going to the gym yesterday, so I’ll do some tidying and make some sourdough bread.

Friday Things

Posted in budgets, California, cancer, Death, frugalism, husband, peritoneal mesothelomia, Uncategorized by

I’m still processing things from Barclay’s death. It’s very weird, honestly, to be the person left to keep on going. I take some comfort in that he lived a good life and got to be 74, almost 75. Look at those poor kids in the Texas flood who didn’t get past 10. Very sad. The last year has been so hard watching his decline, and the last 3 months were pretty awful. He really didn’t have a chance with peritoneal mesothelioma. It’s just one of those cancers that you don’t get over and go into remission. I got the letter already from SS, which I’m happy about, so I don’t have to go into the office. I’m losing over $1000 a month, so quite a hit. I’m sure there will be ways to figure it out. I cancelled his UHC, so that and his Medicare covers almost $500. Insurance is outrageous. The rest, I don’t know. I do plan on selling the Triumph in a few months, so that will, if it sells, generate a few dollars. The totally weird thing was when I called Allstate to take him off as a driver, she said our insurance WILL GO UP ANOTHER $125. WYF??? After talking to our local agent, she got it to go up only $65, so half. The issue is his good driver discount being taken off. JFC, really? Oh well, done is done.

I’ve gotten through most of my list of things to do. There’s still the bank where I need to take him off our account, but I’ll get to it eventually.

As I said, very weird to deal with this stuff. We all miss him so much.

My daughter ordered this from Shutterfly. We hung it out on the upper patio where he spent the last 4 months of his life sitting when the weather was nice.

Frugal wise, I haven’t been spending too much. I did order a new Speedo from Amazon on Prime since I need a new one. I go through a swimsuit about once a year, with the chlorine from the pool. It was 30% off, so it was a good deal. I also bought some black frames for some watercolor pictures my daughter has done, and some that B did too.

I signed my daughter up as a user on my Costco card, so she went in after work and did some shopping. I appreciate the effort. Mostly it was flavored waters, olive oil, coffee, and some wild cod. She’s very susceptible to histamine attacks, so she’s been on a low-histamine diet, hence the fish purchase. The total came to a little over $100.

Our weather is very hot, and the coolers are running most of the day. If I close everything up, I can usually wait till 11 am, and I always turn them off by 8pm, even if it’s still hot out.

I started going to LLS every morning to apply for my grant, but so far, there’s no luck with funding. I’m hoping the wait isn’t too long, as I depend on that money for my insurance.

My son is using B’s truck since his car( older Subaru) is leaking oil. So he got off work early yesterday and took a load to the dump. There are still 2 more to go with metal stuff, and then the old wood from the chicken coop. It was hot yesterday, so I appreciate him doing it and getting it done. I’m pretty sure we’ll keep the truck, but unsure about Rubi. I just don’t know if I can emotionally handle going out in the RV without him. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see when the time comes, and we can plan something. My daughter has volunteered to be the driver, which she can totally handle; it’s more me dealing with it. Plus, Rubi is really designed for a couple, not 2 people. It’s one bed, and the couch does fold down, but it is very uncomfortable to sleep on. So another decision down the road.

Well, that wraps up what’s going on here.

How’s things in your world?? Summer plans?

A beautiful evening to die.

Posted in California, cancer, Death by

Barclay died at 6:57 on Juneteenth. A fitting day for him as he was all about equality, diversity, and inclusion. He was a conscientious objector during the Vietnam War because of his Quaker beliefs. So Juneteenth was a perfect backdrop.

We were all there ( both kids and I), and it was a cool sunny evening. Death is never pretty, but he died as peacefully as expected.

At some point, we will take his ashes to the Lake Tahoe area and scatter them. There are quite a few things to take care of, but I figure I’ll get to them when I do. We had all the important stuff done, but now there’s still misc like removing him from different accounts and such. I’m not in any hurry, and like I said, I’ll get to it eventually.

I miss him. I guess after being with someone for 55 years, that’s expected. In some ways, we had a storybook life of adventure and travels. Money-wise, we never did that one very well, but here we are.

My daughter was amazing in the last few days, taking care of medication every 2 hours and keeping track of things. The nurses were all impressed with her efficiency. My son is having a harder time with it all, but he’s been here helping do stuff and move things back to where they go since we had a lot of equipment in here. Everyone grieves differently, and I suspect him keeping busy will help him.

Still smiling! He loves his Triumph motorcycle.

Up at Tahoe House in Tahoe City, ca

In healthier times.

Simple Sunday and some updates

Posted in California, cancer, Lake tahoe, Walking by

Today, Father’s Day, would have been the day we left for Tahoe for the week, so that’s a little hard for me. Barclay isn’t all that aware, so I don’t think he remembers.

Things are about the same here, maybe a little worse.

We had hospice come on three different days: one was the intake nurse, one was the RN who would be our nurse, and then the social worker. It was all good, although a bit overwhelming. The nurse set up getting a wheelchair, bedside commode, oxygen, a shower chair, and a walker. So, lots of stuff.

He’s using the oxygen, so that helps some. We’re all taking turns being around so he has someone here. We all gave him his Father’s Day cards this morning, too.

Overall, just being here.

We’ve had simple meals( my daughter and I) like Costco pulled pork on tortillas, salads, hot dogs, and one night just sandwiches.

It’s been nice weather and not too hot at all.

Today, my son is coming up to do some yard work and take some cardboard to recycle. He still needs to plan the dump runs, as there is a lot to take to really clean up around the barn. My daughter has the chicken coop almost all the way down. She’s done an incredible job, really.

I’ve had a few nice walks and am rotating my PT exercises so that continues. My knee seems to be doing better overall all and I’m not using my brace anymore, just a compression sleeve.

This coming week I have Velcade, so that’ll be interesting. My daughter had to change her work week so she could be here for me when I’m gone. I don’t have any plans to go to the pool or the gym till we’re done with hospice. No sense trying to add something else in right now.

I hope your world is a happy one, and on a positive note, the No Kings demonstrations were a huge success. Let’s hope the orange man starts to act like a president.

Midweek Musings

Posted in California, cancer, cooking, hospice, peritoneal mesothelomia by

We met with the hospice intake nurse yesterday. I was so impressed with the efficiency and information. She was so obliging with everything. She made a list of what B needs, like oxygen, a shower chair, etc, and by 5:30 that evening, it was being delivered. I was kind of blown away. They showed us how the oxygen works, so when he needs it, it’ll be there. He hasn’t really needed it yet.

Today, I need to go to town to pick up his medication. All of his meds now will be through hospice, but his pain med had already been filled yesterday. I couldn’t go get it because my daughter headed down to work.

Last night I did the big salad of spring mix, tomatoes, cucumbers, and the leftover polenta. Then I pan-fried the Costco breaded chicken(freezer), which, by the way, is quite good. B ate some polenta and a bit of salad.

The nurse gave us a binder with info and a 24-hour call number if anything comes up. My biggest concern is B falling. Especially because it most likely will be his low blood counts that he will succumb to. When his hemoglobin drops too low, then that’ll probably be it. The drop in hemoglobin will cause him to be even more unsteady.

I’m continuing to putter around the house, and I have a nice little load to go to Goodwill. Any duplicates of things are what I’m focusing on. Also, in the kitchen, I have a number of OXO containers I’m not using and don’t foresee using, so I’m passing those on. As always, I am looking around for ways to streamline the house. It makes it so much easier to tidy up, clean, and maintain.

I hope these days find you well and living your best life. Life can turn on a dime, as they say.

Happy Hanukkah! Thankful Thursday and Pearl Harbor Day.

Posted in budgeting, California, cancer, cooking, Gratitude, home stuff, husband, minimalism, Myeloma, Political things, simplicity by

Tonight is the first night of Hanukkah and we shall light the menorah. I am making laktes and we will have homemade applesauce and sour cream too. I’m not sure what main dish I’ll serve. I grilled some chicken yesterday so I may do something with that. This year I’m not doing the small gift /money exchanges. I think I just need to move on from that at least this year.

In remembrance of Pearl Harbor too and the men and women who died in the attack and of course, entering World War II. It doesn’t seem we’re that much farther ahead at least globally with war, killing, bombings, etc. sigh:(

On the Thankful note,

It was a busy but nice week. Busy for me is more than one appt. I had my dental appt and since we’re paying OOP, I rescheduled films till next time. I’m grateful that my dental hygienist is competent and funny too! She’s been through a lot as her daughter died around 2 years ago at age 25 from some undiagnosed illness. What a thing to go through.

I’m thankful our house is warm and cozy. B does all the firewood and keeps it going. Next year, we will need to buy wood for now we have all we need.

The poang chair is the ‘cat chair’, hence the fuzzy orange blanket. Plus their cat beds in front of the wood stove. 🙂

I’m grateful my daughter decorated a second tree( live potted) with the ugly ornaments and it looks cute. I wasn’t going to bother so she did it. The

I am so grateful for this week off from chemo. I am feeling better every day and that probably means the chemo is kicking my ass more than I thought. I’m sleeping better overall.

I’m grateful that I chose a minimalist Christmas and it keeps it simple and doesn’t stress me out. I still need to go over to Winco and get the stuff for our traditional Christmas lasagna and plan a salad, garlic bread and maybe a small ham. I usually have one extra thing besides the lasagna. We’ll see. We’re not big dessert people so I’ll have to think about that or not.

I’m grateful our 23 yo VW bug is still going strong and just keeps on keeping on. That’s our around town car and it suits us. As long as nothing mechanical goes wrong, we’ll keep buggie!!! This was the car we bought our daughter at 18.

Take Time…

Posted in Death, Uncategorized by

Take time to be quiet,

Take time to walk in nature.

Take time to be with your loved ones,

Take time to be kind….

My neighbor died the other day. She was very brave thru out her 5 years with stage 4 Ovarian cancer.  In January her blood transfusions weren’t working any longer so she knew it was time.  She did have hospice come in and I’m sure they were a big help to her husband. Leslye was only 67. She had been an avid horsewoman, a health food nut, hiker, and probably a lot more things than I know. In fact, we weren’t really close but we had known them(her and her husband) since the 70’s and when we moved here 23 years ago they became our neighbors.  It’s been somewhat depressing even though I am philosophical about it, none the less the reality of her going is still raw.

It’s raining today and it feels right. Kinda gloomy and dark. Matches how I feel.  I know she did so many things in these last 5 years. They went to Hawaii twice, traveled and much more. She also did the ‘death decluttering’ getting rid of her kyacks, horse, Johnny, bikes, clothes and made amends with her 2 children.  She really died in a dignified way and conscious right to the end.

Well, I will let myself feel sad and then it’ll be another day.

My neighbor is dying and ‘death decluttering’

Posted in Death, Uncategorized by

Our neighbor is dying. She has stage 4 Ovarian cancer and has survived for almost 4 years but now things have taken a turn for the worst. She’s 2 years older than me or B’s age 67.  She was a kindergarten teacher and hadn’t planned to retire but once diagnosed she did. After a rigorous regimen of chemotherapy, she was in a partial remission and the tumors had shrunk. Then she took a year of alternative therapy with juicing, became vegan and gluten-free. She maintained that till just this year. Then she got into a clinical trial at Stanford and it was really working, of course, until it stops working and then you have to leave the trial.  She didn’t want to do any more chemo as the quality of life over quantity was so important.  So she has had this past year chemo free and started to enjoy all foods again even coffee.

Our neighbor was an avid horsewoman and sports enthusiastic. But with this last year, she started the ‘death decluttering’.  She sold her horse, trailer, truck, all horse equipment, and even his shelter. She sold her kayak, canoe, bikes, and so much more.  She has understood the ‘death decluttering’  very well. She doesn’t want to burden her husband or her two adult children. It’s a brave thing she is doing.  She has a large support group( whereas I have no ‘girlfriends’ as such) and they are rallying around her. It’s a wonderful thing.

Death comes to us all one way or another so we must really look to each day as an opportunity to live fully but also, realizing NOW is the time to do the’death decluttering’.

Take some time in your life to get rid of things that are burdensome, so those left behind don’t have to wade thru piles of stuff.

Recently, I gave away some old family books that I had put in a bin. These books were over a hundred years old and belonged to B’s grandmother.  He never knew her and they were just musty old books his mother sent to him one year. B did not have a good relationship with his mother(overall), and she certainly didn’t like me and only met her granddaughter a few times and never met her grandson. One year when my son was about 1, she said she had the choice to go to Iceland or visit with us to see Z and our daughter. Well, she chose Iceland and died never meeting her grandson.  So recently, I was thinking about these connections and books and thought, ‘why am I keeping these books out of some obligation”?  So after taking them to the ASPCA bookstore, I felt a huge relief. It was freeing.

So try it. Start the ‘death decluttering’.

The link is for the new book coming out in January on this” The Gentle art of Swedish Death Cleaning: How to Free Yourself and Your Family from a Lifetime of Clutter”

A time for reflection

Posted in Uncategorized by

We lost one of our myeloma heroes this week,Judy M. She was an amazing and inspiring person. She tried so many drugs, but she had high risk myeloma and in the end nothing was working.  I enjoyed her blogs and she will be missed. I send thoughts of peace to her family who were there for her the whole time at the end.

It is a reality check when someone you’ve been following for a while dies. Last year we lost a number of myeloma cyber space friends. It is  a tough wake up call. I feel very lucky to be still here and doing well. It’s not always easy but heck, what’s the alternative. So RIP, Judy….

on other notes, B is putting in our new window today. Should be good. And I’m going to start painting  the window trim. Since tomorrow is a dex day , I’m good till around 1 pm then I crash for a few hours and then @ 4 I start to pick back up.

menu for the week is:

saturday : vegie dogs/ hot dogs, beans , maybe salad

Sunday: chicken with mushrooms and wine, (coq au vin)

Monday: birthday pick?????

Tuesday: spaghetti and meat sauce/ marinara for the vegies

Wednesday: frittata  of some sort

Thursday: broccoli cheddar soup in bread bowls

Friday: tacos