Category Archives: cancer

Mujō (無常)

Posted in bread, budgeting, California, camping, cancer, Death, husband, Myeloma, simplicity, Uncategorized by

The transient and ever-changing nature of things. As with Wabi Sabi, impermanence of things and the beauty in the imperfect.

Mono no aware, Mono no aware (物の哀れ): 
This term translates to “the pathos of things” and is an aesthetic appreciation for the transient nature of life. It involves a gentle sadness or wistfulness at the passing of things and a deep sensitivity to their ephemeral nature. That’s exactly how I feel in my life. It feels somewhat ‘unreal’ Barclay is not here with me to laugh with, joke with, travel with and everything in between. But I do take comfort in he’s not suffering anymore. It was a very difficult painful last 3 months of his life. Well, now to fall.

Fall is in full swing, here in N. Ca, I get the feeling of Mono no aware and Mujo, and wabi Sabi all rolled up together. We’ve had rain and cloudy days, as well as Tahoe-like days with big, fluffy clouds. I’ve had a few twinkly fires already, since the house stays cool even if it’s nice outside.

Just to back track a little here:

Barclay and I practised Zen Buddhism for many years after our Quaker roots seemed to fade away. However, Quakerism and Buddhism are very similar in fact. Both embrace simplicity and a WAY of life. Of course, Quakerism is rooted in a Christian context, and Buddhism in Eastern philosophy as taught by Buddha.

Right now, the impermanence of life is very real for me and maybe somewhat depressing. I am trying to embrace the Mujo concept because it does help me get through the day and realize that life does go on, and it will for me what whatever time I have left. Some of that is on my mind because of my rising kappa light chains and thinking about having to change treatments by January if they continue to go up.

I know that things will change, and I need to change too. But for now, I’ll try and take comfort in Mujo and mono no aware.

On a brighter note, my kids put together a very nice birthday for me. My son came and took a huge load to the dump( which I wanted done). We got a Round Table pizza, and my daughter had gone to Safeway for some small squares of cake to share. I didn’t have any champagne that day to celebrate, but I will soon.Turning 73 is not much different than 72 for me. The real change for me was at 70. Then I felt like I was getting old. Now, I’m old and just keep trying to do the things I love like swimming, walking, the gym and I hope some day in the near future doing some camping again. If i could afford the camper type van that’s what I’d do. We still ( my daughter and I) are going to check things out sometime in the spring. A small tent trailer is very doable, but I like the idea of self contained. Time will tell. Also, If I got one I’d get a loan so that the payment would be what we were paying for rubi. And we’d have the trailer as our trade in.

Well, I’ve rambled on a bit here, so that’s it for me. I do have the day home today after going to the gym yesterday, so I’ll do some tidying and make some sourdough bread.

Simple Sunday

Posted in California, cancer, cooking, decluttering, home stuff, Pantry, simple foods, Uncategorized by

I didn’t sleep well last night. I’m not sure if it was the heat or what. So, I decided not to walk at 6am and will go to the gym to use the treadmill. Some days are just like that. Today is the last really hot day. Then it looks pretty nice after Tuesday.

Things are quiet around here, and I’m glad. After all the chainsawing last week and giant machinery, it’s welcome. This coming week looks OK. I’ll go pick up the sleep test in Roseville. I’ll need to Google it as I’m not sure where the location is. Then I return it a few days later. It would all be a lot easier if they just looked at my Apple Watch data, which says sleep apnea. sigh:( I’ll proceed with what the Dr. says, but I don’t even see him again till late October. The world of doctors and medical appointments really does suck.

I’ve done a little more decluttering, mostly paper stuff, but some odds and ends too. I have quite a few books to donate to either the library friends or the pet bookstore, whichever comes first.

Last night I cooked a crockpot meal, and it was good. I had 2 bags of cooked chicken, although it wasn’t a lot in each bag, and I had a bag of chopped peppers from who knows when. So I chopped up an onion, added a can of cream of mushroom soup that I had in the pantry and wanted to use, and a random pouch of onion soup. I added some taqereia sauce to add a little spice. I just cooked on low for a few hours because the chicken was already cooked. Then I boiled some egg noodles and added them. I liked it. It’s probably not my daughter’s favorite, but I use up a bunch of random things. So win-win.

This is my son’s chair he had in the barn, so I’m using that a my place to sit in B’s office. It’s very comfortable, although you wouldn’t guess that. I’m debating moving my Heywood desk in there. I guess I could try it, and if I don’t like it, move it back out. The Heywood is very heavy, though.

Frugal Friday

Posted in Blood test, budgeting, budgets, California, camping, cancer, decluttering, Walking by

My new budget starts next week. So far, groceries have come in under $400, so I think I’m getting the hang of buying less.

I went to Costco this week and spent $233 on food. Freezer and pantry stuff brought it down to @150. For the pantry, it was granola, which lasts months, butter for the freezer also will last 3 months, pulled pork will be for at least 4 dinners over a few months, tamales, the same as they will be used over the next 3 months, and coffee, which will be about a month. Non-food came in at $70, about for batteries, hair conditioner, TP, and paper plates were on sale, so I picked them up for easy clean-up dinners. All of that will last for months.

For wine, I bought my favorite Juliet Rose and a fancy bottle of Sonoma-Cutrer wine. That was around $40.

Overall, I was pleased. Then I bought 2 pizzas for the tree crew that were here. I’ll show the pictures below.

We just got our Allstate car renewal, and it went up $1000 ( fuck Allstate) because of the claim that the scammer did, saying my car door scratched his. It’s a long story, but suffice to say, my door did not scratch his, but it did touch his passenger door, so Allstate had to favor his claim. It was a scam to begin with because then he got the money, and of course, didn’t go to the body shop. I tried to explain the setup because he was extremely aggressive verbally, and never even got out of his car, but took a picture ( or someone did) of my license plate. My guess is someone else was waiting with him in the parking lot. Oh well, done is done, but that is going to cause me extreme stress trying to pay that. I guess the best I can do is do the payment plan at this point.

On a positive note, the tree crane was here and took the tree. It was quite the job, as you can see. It took all day and then the next to deal with it all.

I’d had other plans to meet a friend for coffee, but that went out the window dealing with this. I hate dealing with this stuff, but I don’t have a choice. The other tree, I guess we’ll just have to wait on because it wasn’t in their system, but I’m going to try and convince them, but that will also take a crane( I think).

It would have been too much to do both anyway. All the wood is gone now, and it looks good. They did a good job.

Today, I’m going to Auburn and will drop off a load at Goodwill. It’s mostly stuff from Rubi that I know I’m not going to use if we get a tent trailer eventually. I still have the bathroom in Rubi to sort out, though.

It’s been a stressful week with my ortho appt, labs, the tree, etc. BTW, the shot hurt like hell, and my knee was really sore from it, but yesterday it started feeling a lot better. So hopefully in the next two weeks I can increase my walking. It takes about 2 weeks for the steroid to take effect.

Also, on a positive note, my labs came back about the same. Kappa went up to 20.5ml/g, so a slight increase from 19.8. Really, in the big picture, that’s not much. My ratio, though, did go up a bit because the lambda went down. If the Kappa goes up, Lambda down, then the ratio goes up.

The heat is back, and 98 * is hot for us. I think today it’s supposed to go to 99*. I’ll have to turn the coolers on by 10. Our PGE bill did go down some, though, so there’s that, I guess.

On a sad note, it’s our 55th anniversary soon. It makes me sad. We did have a wonderful life, even with the ups and downs of it. I’m planning a day trip to Tahoe soon, just not sure when. Burning Man is happening, so the freeway has lots of crazies, which also means the Tahoe area has some overflow. I’m hoping next week sometime.

Simple Sunday and how things are going.

Posted in Blood test, budgets, California, camping, cancer, Death, freezer cooking, Walking by

Well, it’s been 2 months since Barclay died. Most stuff is handled, but there are still outliers. We need to sell the motorcycle and the trailer. We’re going to try for the motorcycle in September when it cools off. It may or may not sell. It’s a specific niche of a bike, so we’ll see. The trailer is another story, and I’m emptying it out slowly. Most of the camping stuff I’ll store so we can use it if we get the tent trailer.

Some things that need official death certificates, like the bank, I still need to do. Other things like PGE, and I’m just leaving alone for now. The water bill I got changed to my name alone. He had one cc in his name, and I’m leaving that too, as they will close that if it’s not used. I’ve put a lock on it, so that should be ok.

I’ve cleaned out some clothes, etc, and I have a few more things to do. Some favorite T-shirts I’m saving.

It’s definitely a strange place to be.

This coming week, I have my labs, and I’m getting another steroid shot in my knee. We also have PGE coming to take the big tree with a crane. They figured out the other big tree wasn’t in their system, although Barclay tried to get them to add it. Well, maybe another time. The one they’re taking is a huge tree with a lot of lean, and that’s why they need a crane. I’m concerned for our water line, but I will tell them to be careful how they drop tree parts. The other tree I suspect we’ll have to pay for at some point, but I can’t think about that now. So that’s going to be a very anxious day for me, as my anxiety goes way up with stuff like that. Usually, if B were here, he would handle it, and I would leave, but he’s not.

The rest of the week looks fine. Although I don’t know what day PGE is coming until Tuesday, when he’ll call me.

Right now, our weather has cooled and is quite nice. I’ve enjoyed sitting outside. Today is also nice, and then it looks like it heats up again later in the week.

My motivation to do things is very low. I’m pretty much forcing myself to go to the pool or the gym. I’m sure this will pass with more time, but for now, it’s weird for me to feel unmotivated. I did have a nice walk this morning, though. It’s been busy at the park during the week, so I’m not fond of passing 6 people walking, but today was empty, except for two guys fishing in the pond. In the past, when it got busy, I’d just go earlier and then no one’s there, but right now I’m not motivated to get there any earlier. 6:00 a.m. is about my limit, considering I get up at 5:30.

I’ve baked a few things in the Souper Cubes, and it’s loads of fun. I did banana bread and then zucchini bread. They are food-grade silicon, so you can bake right in them. Very cool. I froze most of it as my daughter and I can only get through so much.

Well, that’s it for the most part. just day by day.

Simple Sunday

Posted in books, budgeting, budgets, California, camping, cancer, decluttering, Lake tahoe, library, Uncategorized, Walking by

It’s been so hot again. Today is the hottest at 99. The coolers go off and on all day. I always turn them off by 7:30, even if it’s still hot out. We have two more days of heat, and then it drops back into the 80s.

I’ve had fun reading this book,

It’s quite funny, although if you’re offended by the word fuck, then this isn’t for you. It’s quite motivating. I bought it as a Kindle book.

My walk was nice this morning. Only one person was showing up as I was leaving. My legs still don’t seem to be recovering as well as I’d like, and my app for iHealth still shows my walking steadiness as low. I’m guessing my right knee is still causing some lagging in my gait. Of course, that’s just a guess.

I picked up my holds at the library, and one was chair yoga and pilates. So far, I like it and may buy my own copy. I have it for 3 weeks, so I can give it a bit more time to see if it’s worth it.

The week ahead is Dr. appt in Sacramento, and Velcade in Roseville. That pretty much covers the week since Friday, I’ll take my Dex. My daughter starts back at her college job this week, too. We talked about maybe doing a day trip to Tahoe. Just the West Shore, as it is closer to Tahoe City. I’ll have to see how motivated I am to do that.

I still haven’t canceled one of the Tahoe trips in September. I guess I’m procrastinating. I’ll do it soon. We had booked 2 reservations that overlapped, so one will have to go, and even the one that’s left is questionable. I’m still not sure how we could pull it off without Rubi, and that is not an option. I suppose my son’s huge tent is an option, but not really a great one. I’d have to buy an air mattress and some other things, and I’m not sure I want to do that. I guess I’m waiting for some inspiration to show up. Kidding:)

My daughter has finished painting the studio, and it looks really nice. A pale green with a cream trim. We gave away the Ikea cabinet yesterday on Facebook Marketplace. Fortunately, the guy coming was nice and prompt. He had a van, so my daughter and he were able to slide it in. It was a brand-new hybrid Pacifica. Wow, it was quite nice. I checked the price and they run around 55K.

Well, off to do some stuff as I’m not heading out to the gym this morning.

Thankful Thursday and a reality check.

Posted in budgets, California, cancer, Gratitude, Retirement, social security by

I’m thankful that most of the things I’ve had to deal with, like changing me to primary, have been met with support and graciousness from the customer service people. Even changing the AARP was easy enough, and they even sent a sympathy card which was very sweet. Verizon was a challenge, and I didn’t end up changing much because it started to get way too complicated.

I still need to go to the bank to take him off the account, but I will make an appointment to do that. When I talked with them yesterday, the teller was very kind and told me what I needed to bring.

I’m sure there are a few outliers that still need to be dealt with, but that can come later.

I’m so thankful my LLS is back and I can give a sigh of relief that my UHC insurance will be covered. They increased my premium because it’s only me now.

The reality check is at our ages,72 and 74, there was no life insurance, no CDs to fall back on, no IRAs, no massive savings, just SS. The reality is we were never in a position to be able to have that kind of money. We really just got by. After my myeloma diagnosis in 2005, I couldn’t work at anything major, but when I got my little library job in 2007, that boosted my SS points, and that was the reason for doing that to some extent. Besides, I loved that job.

Fortunately, even with still having a mortgage, SS was enough to get by on. The reality of losing almost 1/3 of SS is tough, but I’ve mostly figured it out, and some bills are lower. This summer we’re watering way less and don’t have a vegetable garden( Barclay was starting to go downhill in the spring), and no one felt like gardening. So our water bill is less. Ditto with our Verizon bill because I cancelled his phone. Since my son is using the truck for now, he’s giving me money for that, which helps.

Thankful for what is.

Simple Sunday

Posted in budgeting, California, cancer, Death, decluttering, home stuff, husband, Walking by

The light is shifting in both the morning and evening. The other day was Lammas, so cross-quarter. For some reason, I always feel the shift, even if it’s 90 degrees out. My walk this morning at 6 am was nice, and again, it’s just a tad darker. No one showed up, which was unusual. Generally, there is at least one or two people. So that was nice. I’m still not up to a full mile yet with my knee, but I’m getting there.

Today, I plan to go to the Auburn gym and then drop a load off at Goodwill. It’s a bit of miscellany from around the house. I’ll do another round when I get motivated to go out to the garden shed. Since Barclay died, I haven’t had much motivation with things, but I guess that’s normal.

My son and daughter moved the trailer to a new spot, so the tires aren’t in the same spot. I haven’t been out there yet, but I will go out today. I also need to continue taking things out, like dishes. I won’t get rid of them because our plan is to get the tent trailer, so we’ll need stuff for that. I think the ease of pulling a tent trailer will suit my daughter and me.

We started watching the New Star Trek, with Captain Pike. It’s really quite good and really keeps to the Star Trek theme. It’s on Paramount, if you’re interested. I also watched the PBS production of Patience. It’s really a rerun of the French Astrid, but I enjoyed it. I also finished watching Murder on an Island, which takes place off the coast of Canada near French Quebec.

It’s my son’s birthday this week. 31 yo. Where does the time go?? He was a wonderful child, and he has grown into a wonderful young man. There are 9 years between my daughter and him, and he was a BIG surprise. I remember saying, I’M WHAT??? I was almost 42 when he was born.

Well, what things are you up to these days? I read a few blogs, but not as many as I used to. I do love peeking into other people’s lives. I guess that’s why I was a psychology major in college, and counseling in graduate school, and clinical psychology in a doctoral program, which I didn’t finish. No regrets, it was all a journey.

Five on Friday

Posted in Blood test, budgeting, budgets, California, cancer, Myeloma, travel, Uncategorized by

We had the most wonderful thunderstorm and rain last night with lightning. We got a lot of rain, and the ground is pretty soaked for now. Yeah, for the rain. Although not so good, it started a lightning fire across the canyon, but I think I saw it was contained.

A low spend week for the most part. My daughter went to Costco after work for a few things, namely dishwasher pods that we needed. Plus water and just a few other things. Food came to @ $47, and then the wine I want to take to the coast was $18. It’s called Sonoma-Cutrer. I haven’t had it before, but it’s supposed to be good.

All the July bills are done, so I have August’s budget almost done. With SS decreasing, I have made a few adjustments. I think mostly it’ll be decreasing food costs and miscellaneous expenses. Most of our bills are fixed, so I can’t do anything there.

Let see, the good news is LLS opened funding for Myeloma, so I hopped on the website and was approved. I just need the doctor to fill out his form. Having that money will be a great help in paying for my insurance.

Other good news is, my kappa light chains stayed about the same, 19.8. So up from 19.6, but that’s really marginal. So good news on that front.

I had fairly good energy this week after the low with Dex. I got the living room ceiling painted. It took 2 days working for about 30 minutes each time. I also went to the paint store and bought another gallon of Simply White. Except for the bathroom, our whole house is painted that color. It makes it easy to do touch-ups and keeps the look clean and minimal.

Well, I’m off to do some tidying and put some stuff away.

Five on Friday/Frugal Friday

Posted in budgeting, budgets, California, cancer, Credit cards, frugalism, husband, knee injury, Multiple myeloma, Myeloma, velcade, Walking by

Frugal-wise, I’m not in the Cotswolds like Mavis over at $100 a month. She probably should change the name of her blog. But she’s got the money, so why not enjoy it? Plus, she loves England.

Here in my neck of the woods, N. Ca, it’s been too hot to do much outside. The temps are much nicer in the coming week, but still some 90’s, and I saw it gets in the low 80’s, so that will be much nicer. I miss sitting outside in the mornings and afternoons.

Money-wise, just paying bills, and I had to pay the overpayment from SS. It’s ok, I’ll deal with it. It’s done, and I’m going forward. I just need to work the budget with the SS I’m getting. I’m still working on my credit card bill because I put the cremation on there. But I should be able to knock it down next month. I hate having a balance. But needs must.

After my Velcade shot, I stopped at Costco to pick up some lox for the bagels I bought at Noah’s. I also picked up some rose wine( my favorite) and a Gloria Ferrier champagne-type brut. I wanted Mumm rose, but they were out.

I gave my daughter $100 in cash to buy the paint for the studio. She’s really done a great job clearing it out and rearranging it to suit her. We might go get that today as long as she drives, since I’m on Dex. I don’t sleep well on Dex nights, and last night was no exception.

I also have a food bank donation to drop off and some more stuff for Goodwill.

I’ve almost finished most of my list of things to do related to B. If something comes up, it’ll be an outlier I don’t know about. I may take care of a few things today or not. It depends on my focusing on which Dex does affect. So we’ll see.

I’m still debating getting the next steroid shot for my knee. Mostly it’s ok. When I try and do a little extra walking or swimming, it acts up, but then I seem to recover the next day. The shot did help quite a bit, so there’s that.

Simple Sunday on Monday

Posted in Blood test, books, California, cancer, Death, Myeloma, reading, Uncategorized by

This heat wave we’re having is doing me in. 96 yesterday and the same for today. Ugh. I think a bit of a cooling trend starts on Tuesday, but it’s not huge. I read all my library books, so I picked from my shelf some old Hillerman and looked through some decluttering books. You know I’m desperate when that starts happening. I do plan on going to the library tomorrow so I can get my hold and a few others as well. I was planning on going on Thursday after my Velcade shot, but my hold expires by then, so I need to get it before that.

Menu planning is still hit or miss these days. I still have the basic menu plan going of using things from the freezer and fridge, but I’m not super motivated. It’s probably a combination of the heat and just finding a new ‘normal’ balance. My daughter bought an air fryer on Prime Day, so she’s been experimenting with that. So far, she’s made sweet potato fries and wild cod in panko. Both excellent.

Sunday- used up a bag of Trader Joe’s chicken chow mein with added chicken.

Monday- Tofu something as I have 2 containers to use up. I also have some broccoli to use.

Tuesday- I’ve been feeling like crock pot pintos, so I think I’ll do that with tortillas and avocado if they’re ripe. I bought the bag(6) from Costco. It takes a while for them to ripen, but as soon as they start to ripen, I put them all in the fridge and they will last weeks in there.

Wednesday- I think we’ll do spaghetti with marinara and maybe some meatballs.

Thursday- Freezer meal of some sort. I need to go out to the chest freezer( that’s in our outside laundry room) and check.

Friday- I’ll make a pizza if it’s not too hot.

Saturday- ?? TBD

Today I’m going to meet my library friends for a coffee. They have been very supportive, and the one gal is the one whose husband died of Myeloma a few years back. His Myeloma came on very fast, he was in his 80s, and Sutter really didn’t address his issues or treatment till it was too late. It was very sad.

All in all, things are ok. I’m still cleaning out B’s desk of odds and ends, like pens and notebooks. Nothing major, just a little at a time.

I have my Velcade shot this week and then Dex days. Actually, the dex isn’t too awful when I do it between 2 days. It’s still Dex no matter what, but it’s less intense. Then I’ll go get my labs next week.