Tag Archives: life

Wednesday musings

Posted in budgeting, budgets, California, cooking, Gratitude, reading, Uncategorized by

Frugal Girl has a good post on her blog to read. It’s about not comparing where you are in life to others, especially when we are all in different seasons of our lives. It helped me reframe some of where I am. Especially when it comes to traveling, money, and lots of other small things. I’d love to keep traveling like I did with Barclay in the RV, but I can’t trailer the RV. So, after I sell it this spring, how can I create a traveling vehicle? Also, I have a very small fixed income that got smaller after Barclay died( by 1/3 less). I am, though, very grateful that what I do get from SS pays the bills. So comparing myself to people still working and earning is a thief of joy and results in only negative thinking. It makes no sense to do those comparisons, as, like I said, we are all in different seasons of our lives. I will accept where I am and my limitations as well. I say limitations, as that is a fact of getting older. I can’t walk as far as I once did. I can’t do lots of things that even 5 years ago I could, such as getting down on the floor to clean corners or the floor. Nope, it’s not happening, and I accept that. ( maybe begrudgingly):)

I am only going to focus on what I can do as FG suggested. I am going to focus on my own internal process and do what I can to still live my best life. I can still do some traveling, it’s just how I can add that in and afford it. I can still do moderate walking, which is something I love, plus always reading and cooking. Those things don’t cost money and add joy to my life.

Yesterday, I went to the Roseville gym and library. I had about 5 books on hold that were due to come off the hold list. From there, I went to TJ’s to get a couple of gift cards to give my kids. I’ve been struggling with the whole gift-giving this year, especially with Barclay gone. I like giving my kids gifts and have always gone somewhat overboard. Nothing crazy, but still more than I can do now. So, in addition to the TJ’s card, I’m giving each some cash, for my son a dinner out with his partner, and my daughter to go and use at the nursery. It’s all a big adjustment, but necessary since money-wise, I can’t really do much more. I’m sure I will adjust and, in time, be ok with it. Since this is the first Christmas/Hanukkah without B, I’m quite emotional about it all. Time is a great healer, and I’m sure things will get easier as time goes by.

It’s finally raining here in N. California after a very beautiful fall break with lovely sun( at least here in the foothills, the valley has been socked in Tule fog). I’m not sure if I’m going down to the pool or waiting till tomorrow. It’s only 6:30, so I have time to get a sense of the day. I have some decluttering to do with some books and some of the Christmas things my son didn’t want.

My son took us to Grass Valley to see the Christmas decorations. It was lots of fun. He makes quite an effort to do things with me. There they are side by side. My lunch was delicious. A turkey green chili sandwich.

Simple Sunday

Posted in budgeting, budgets, California, cooking, husband, meal planning, swimming, Uncategorized by

Our weather has been cold but not rainy. The highs are at 58, and the lows are at 42. It looks to be the same for the next week at least. I’ve been using the space heaters some and the wood stove is used daily.

I had a nice swim this week and also went to the gym and library. Overall, a good week exercise-wise. My replacement Merrills are on the way, but it’s still about a week out. I’ve been wearing my Hokas in the house, and that helps some with my foot. My foot, at least, hasn’t gotten worse and is somewhat better.

We had a very nice Thanksgiving. The dinner turned out well, and it was nice. Of course, without Barclay here, it was different and sad but we all raised a glass of champagne to him:)

I’ve been writing out small lists of things to do each day, only 2 or 3 things, and it’s helped me stay on task. Nothing major, but things like wiping down the shelves, dusting the Easton Press books. Just little things. What I don’t get to, I put on a list for the next day. So far, it’s been good for me.

I made a turkey wild rice soup from leftovers yesterday. It was very good, and I put some servings in the Souper cubes to freeze. I need to do a menu for the week sometime today.

I plan on going to the Auburn gym this morning, and then I need a few things from Safeway. Mostly, salad stuff and fruit.

My son texted me yesterday with a picture of one of the truck’s tires, and Whoa!!! It looked like it had hit a pot hole or something and had a big gash in it. He’s taking it in for tires today. I’ll give him some $ for most of it from my EF, which will leave it quite low, but that’s what it’s there for.

This coming week is my Velcade shot and then Dex. I see Dr. L next week, so I’ll have new labs by then, I hope.

Frugal Friday and misc. stuff

Posted in Blood test, budgeting, budgets, California, cancer, decluttering, frugalism, Multiple myeloma, Myeloma, Uncategorized by

We ended up having a lot of rain!! But now it’s blue skies and the temperature is lovely. We should be having day temperatures in the 70s. We have some outside things to do, so that’s perfect. I need to paint the new gutter that S put up and tidy the patio up for winter.

I have a small pile to go to the thrift store and will probably do that on Sunday after the gym. I’m still going through different areas to find more things to add to the pile.

My son and his partner came over on Wednesday afternoon, along with the partner’s parents. They are lovely people, and I wish B could have met them. But they were here for the dad to check out my son’s Subaru. The dad is very mechanically minded. My son is giving( with my permission, as it is my name) the Subaru to him for free. They checked it out and will take it hopefully soon. As soon as that’s done I can take it off the insurance and that is going to save me over $700. I’ll call allstate as soon as it’s signed over.

My daughter and I went to Costco yesterday to finish shopping for the stuff I didn’t get last time. Most of it was non-perishables like the smoke alarms( wow, they were expensive even on sale), TP, and laundry soap. water, and a few other things. From there, we went to my favorite pizza place for a slice of New York pizza. It was fun. I also got the car washed since Quick Quack was just across the street. Costco ended up a little over $300 but I need to break down non food and also long term items and see what the total was.

My food budget for the month came in at about $350, so I’m really getting the hang of not buying so much. The Costco trip I’ll be putting on next month’s budget, which starts next week.

In not-so-happy news, my labs came back with a 4-point increase, so myeloma is definitely on the move. I checked in with Dr. L, and we decided to go one more month and see what the next increase is. I’m disappointed, but it was to be expected at some point. I just wish I could have had at least some period of time with things ‘normal’ after B died. Well, at least I’m asymptomatic which is good. Also the ratio of kappa / lambda was the same so that’s good. The plan will be to try to do biweekly,depending on how next month goes, and if that doesn’t work switch to darzalex fast pro. I’ve made it 20 years with Myeloma and know I’m one of the lucky ones. Still reality sucks that I have to deal with this. 😦

Mujō (無常)

Posted in bread, budgeting, California, camping, cancer, Death, husband, Myeloma, simplicity, Uncategorized by

The transient and ever-changing nature of things. As with Wabi Sabi, impermanence of things and the beauty in the imperfect.

Mono no aware, Mono no aware (物の哀れ): 
This term translates to “the pathos of things” and is an aesthetic appreciation for the transient nature of life. It involves a gentle sadness or wistfulness at the passing of things and a deep sensitivity to their ephemeral nature. That’s exactly how I feel in my life. It feels somewhat ‘unreal’ Barclay is not here with me to laugh with, joke with, travel with and everything in between. But I do take comfort in he’s not suffering anymore. It was a very difficult painful last 3 months of his life. Well, now to fall.

Fall is in full swing, here in N. Ca, I get the feeling of Mono no aware and Mujo, and wabi Sabi all rolled up together. We’ve had rain and cloudy days, as well as Tahoe-like days with big, fluffy clouds. I’ve had a few twinkly fires already, since the house stays cool even if it’s nice outside.

Just to back track a little here:

Barclay and I practised Zen Buddhism for many years after our Quaker roots seemed to fade away. However, Quakerism and Buddhism are very similar in fact. Both embrace simplicity and a WAY of life. Of course, Quakerism is rooted in a Christian context, and Buddhism in Eastern philosophy as taught by Buddha.

Right now, the impermanence of life is very real for me and maybe somewhat depressing. I am trying to embrace the Mujo concept because it does help me get through the day and realize that life does go on, and it will for me what whatever time I have left. Some of that is on my mind because of my rising kappa light chains and thinking about having to change treatments by January if they continue to go up.

I know that things will change, and I need to change too. But for now, I’ll try and take comfort in Mujo and mono no aware.

On a brighter note, my kids put together a very nice birthday for me. My son came and took a huge load to the dump( which I wanted done). We got a Round Table pizza, and my daughter had gone to Safeway for some small squares of cake to share. I didn’t have any champagne that day to celebrate, but I will soon.Turning 73 is not much different than 72 for me. The real change for me was at 70. Then I felt like I was getting old. Now, I’m old and just keep trying to do the things I love like swimming, walking, the gym and I hope some day in the near future doing some camping again. If i could afford the camper type van that’s what I’d do. We still ( my daughter and I) are going to check things out sometime in the spring. A small tent trailer is very doable, but I like the idea of self contained. Time will tell. Also, If I got one I’d get a loan so that the payment would be what we were paying for rubi. And we’d have the trailer as our trade in.

Well, I’ve rambled on a bit here, so that’s it for me. I do have the day home today after going to the gym yesterday, so I’ll do some tidying and make some sourdough bread.

Am I a minimalist??

Posted in books, California, Death, decluttering, home stuff, simple foods, simplicity, Uncategorized by

After reading the latest book,

I’m pretty sure that’s a spoof on her ‘author’ moniker.??

I wondered what I still had that was not really worth keeping. Or was it now something no longer needed? I’ve gone through a lot of shelves, drawers, closet ( we only have one closet) and took a hard look at things. Some things are left to deal with later, but a great deal was eliminated.

The author asks, “How do you want your home to ‘feel?’ “and then this is your why. I really want things to be simplified. It’s that simple. I want things to be uncomplicated and simple. Simple meals, simple house chores, simple maintaining the house, etc.

One of her tidbits was to go around your house and identify what irritates you or bugs you, and toss or throw them in the goodwill box. I like that idea.

This is part of the latest pile. 😦

Of course, having my husband just die is a motivator. Some of the things to let go of are those that I have no use for. Half-used notepads, a zillion pens, old T-shirts. ( I have saved some of his T-shirts like Grateful Dead, for now. I don’t know how I’ll feel in 6 months. Here I thought we had really prepared for his passing by getting rid of things, but honestly, it’s a shock what’s there. We have been on our minimalism journey for over 15 years, and here I am scratching my head going”why”?

As I’ve always contended, life is about change and trying to be in the season of your life as it is. I’ve never been here before, so I have to make the changes.

I’m not planning on canning in the near future, for example. So I don’t need a bizillion canning jars. I’ve given away on our Pay it forward group over 3 dozen jars. Now, of course, I’m holding back getting rid of my water canner and my All-American. Why? I don’t know, except I like canning, and I still might in the future. That is too early to tell, because this year, with Barclay dying, we didn’t have any garden. So time will tell on this one.

Even the yard stuff has been a lot. My son has done 3 trips to the dump already. And we still have at least 2 more that are mostly old wood. All this should have been done long before now. We’ve lived here 30 years, and well, stuff does accumulate, especially old wood from projects, scrap metal, old coolers, etc. I’m seriously thinking of hiring someone who does junk to get rid of it.

I suppose all things change as our attitude, circumstances, and perspective change. I’m glad mine is continuing to evolve and change with my current circumstances. I just wish Barclay were here to do this with me. 😦

Thankful Thursday and a reality check.

Posted in budgets, California, cancer, Gratitude, Retirement, social security by

I’m thankful that most of the things I’ve had to deal with, like changing me to primary, have been met with support and graciousness from the customer service people. Even changing the AARP was easy enough, and they even sent a sympathy card which was very sweet. Verizon was a challenge, and I didn’t end up changing much because it started to get way too complicated.

I still need to go to the bank to take him off the account, but I will make an appointment to do that. When I talked with them yesterday, the teller was very kind and told me what I needed to bring.

I’m sure there are a few outliers that still need to be dealt with, but that can come later.

I’m so thankful my LLS is back and I can give a sigh of relief that my UHC insurance will be covered. They increased my premium because it’s only me now.

The reality check is at our ages,72 and 74, there was no life insurance, no CDs to fall back on, no IRAs, no massive savings, just SS. The reality is we were never in a position to be able to have that kind of money. We really just got by. After my myeloma diagnosis in 2005, I couldn’t work at anything major, but when I got my little library job in 2007, that boosted my SS points, and that was the reason for doing that to some extent. Besides, I loved that job.

Fortunately, even with still having a mortgage, SS was enough to get by on. The reality of losing almost 1/3 of SS is tough, but I’ve mostly figured it out, and some bills are lower. This summer we’re watering way less and don’t have a vegetable garden( Barclay was starting to go downhill in the spring), and no one felt like gardening. So our water bill is less. Ditto with our Verizon bill because I cancelled his phone. Since my son is using the truck for now, he’s giving me money for that, which helps.

Thankful for what is.

Simple Sunday

Posted in budgeting, California, cancer, Death, decluttering, home stuff, husband, Walking by

The light is shifting in both the morning and evening. The other day was Lammas, so cross-quarter. For some reason, I always feel the shift, even if it’s 90 degrees out. My walk this morning at 6 am was nice, and again, it’s just a tad darker. No one showed up, which was unusual. Generally, there is at least one or two people. So that was nice. I’m still not up to a full mile yet with my knee, but I’m getting there.

Today, I plan to go to the Auburn gym and then drop a load off at Goodwill. It’s a bit of miscellany from around the house. I’ll do another round when I get motivated to go out to the garden shed. Since Barclay died, I haven’t had much motivation with things, but I guess that’s normal.

My son and daughter moved the trailer to a new spot, so the tires aren’t in the same spot. I haven’t been out there yet, but I will go out today. I also need to continue taking things out, like dishes. I won’t get rid of them because our plan is to get the tent trailer, so we’ll need stuff for that. I think the ease of pulling a tent trailer will suit my daughter and me.

We started watching the New Star Trek, with Captain Pike. It’s really quite good and really keeps to the Star Trek theme. It’s on Paramount, if you’re interested. I also watched the PBS production of Patience. It’s really a rerun of the French Astrid, but I enjoyed it. I also finished watching Murder on an Island, which takes place off the coast of Canada near French Quebec.

It’s my son’s birthday this week. 31 yo. Where does the time go?? He was a wonderful child, and he has grown into a wonderful young man. There are 9 years between my daughter and him, and he was a BIG surprise. I remember saying, I’M WHAT??? I was almost 42 when he was born.

Well, what things are you up to these days? I read a few blogs, but not as many as I used to. I do love peeking into other people’s lives. I guess that’s why I was a psychology major in college, and counseling in graduate school, and clinical psychology in a doctoral program, which I didn’t finish. No regrets, it was all a journey.

Five on Friday/Frugal Friday

Posted in budgeting, budgets, California, cancer, Credit cards, frugalism, husband, knee injury, Multiple myeloma, Myeloma, velcade, Walking by

Frugal-wise, I’m not in the Cotswolds like Mavis over at $100 a month. She probably should change the name of her blog. But she’s got the money, so why not enjoy it? Plus, she loves England.

Here in my neck of the woods, N. Ca, it’s been too hot to do much outside. The temps are much nicer in the coming week, but still some 90’s, and I saw it gets in the low 80’s, so that will be much nicer. I miss sitting outside in the mornings and afternoons.

Money-wise, just paying bills, and I had to pay the overpayment from SS. It’s ok, I’ll deal with it. It’s done, and I’m going forward. I just need to work the budget with the SS I’m getting. I’m still working on my credit card bill because I put the cremation on there. But I should be able to knock it down next month. I hate having a balance. But needs must.

After my Velcade shot, I stopped at Costco to pick up some lox for the bagels I bought at Noah’s. I also picked up some rose wine( my favorite) and a Gloria Ferrier champagne-type brut. I wanted Mumm rose, but they were out.

I gave my daughter $100 in cash to buy the paint for the studio. She’s really done a great job clearing it out and rearranging it to suit her. We might go get that today as long as she drives, since I’m on Dex. I don’t sleep well on Dex nights, and last night was no exception.

I also have a food bank donation to drop off and some more stuff for Goodwill.

I’ve almost finished most of my list of things to do related to B. If something comes up, it’ll be an outlier I don’t know about. I may take care of a few things today or not. It depends on my focusing on which Dex does affect. So we’ll see.

I’m still debating getting the next steroid shot for my knee. Mostly it’s ok. When I try and do a little extra walking or swimming, it acts up, but then I seem to recover the next day. The shot did help quite a bit, so there’s that.

Friday Things

Posted in budgets, California, cancer, Death, frugalism, husband, peritoneal mesothelomia, Uncategorized by

I’m still processing things from Barclay’s death. It’s very weird, honestly, to be the person left to keep on going. I take some comfort in that he lived a good life and got to be 74, almost 75. Look at those poor kids in the Texas flood who didn’t get past 10. Very sad. The last year has been so hard watching his decline, and the last 3 months were pretty awful. He really didn’t have a chance with peritoneal mesothelioma. It’s just one of those cancers that you don’t get over and go into remission. I got the letter already from SS, which I’m happy about, so I don’t have to go into the office. I’m losing over $1000 a month, so quite a hit. I’m sure there will be ways to figure it out. I cancelled his UHC, so that and his Medicare covers almost $500. Insurance is outrageous. The rest, I don’t know. I do plan on selling the Triumph in a few months, so that will, if it sells, generate a few dollars. The totally weird thing was when I called Allstate to take him off as a driver, she said our insurance WILL GO UP ANOTHER $125. WYF??? After talking to our local agent, she got it to go up only $65, so half. The issue is his good driver discount being taken off. JFC, really? Oh well, done is done.

I’ve gotten through most of my list of things to do. There’s still the bank where I need to take him off our account, but I’ll get to it eventually.

As I said, very weird to deal with this stuff. We all miss him so much.

My daughter ordered this from Shutterfly. We hung it out on the upper patio where he spent the last 4 months of his life sitting when the weather was nice.

Frugal wise, I haven’t been spending too much. I did order a new Speedo from Amazon on Prime since I need a new one. I go through a swimsuit about once a year, with the chlorine from the pool. It was 30% off, so it was a good deal. I also bought some black frames for some watercolor pictures my daughter has done, and some that B did too.

I signed my daughter up as a user on my Costco card, so she went in after work and did some shopping. I appreciate the effort. Mostly it was flavored waters, olive oil, coffee, and some wild cod. She’s very susceptible to histamine attacks, so she’s been on a low-histamine diet, hence the fish purchase. The total came to a little over $100.

Our weather is very hot, and the coolers are running most of the day. If I close everything up, I can usually wait till 11 am, and I always turn them off by 8pm, even if it’s still hot out.

I started going to LLS every morning to apply for my grant, but so far, there’s no luck with funding. I’m hoping the wait isn’t too long, as I depend on that money for my insurance.

My son is using B’s truck since his car( older Subaru) is leaking oil. So he got off work early yesterday and took a load to the dump. There are still 2 more to go with metal stuff, and then the old wood from the chicken coop. It was hot yesterday, so I appreciate him doing it and getting it done. I’m pretty sure we’ll keep the truck, but unsure about Rubi. I just don’t know if I can emotionally handle going out in the RV without him. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see when the time comes, and we can plan something. My daughter has volunteered to be the driver, which she can totally handle; it’s more me dealing with it. Plus, Rubi is really designed for a couple, not 2 people. It’s one bed, and the couch does fold down, but it is very uncomfortable to sleep on. So another decision down the road.

Well, that wraps up what’s going on here.

How’s things in your world?? Summer plans?