Category Archives: Death

Mujō (無常)

Posted in bread, budgeting, California, camping, cancer, Death, husband, Myeloma, simplicity, Uncategorized by

The transient and ever-changing nature of things. As with Wabi Sabi, impermanence of things and the beauty in the imperfect.

Mono no aware, Mono no aware (物の哀れ): 
This term translates to “the pathos of things” and is an aesthetic appreciation for the transient nature of life. It involves a gentle sadness or wistfulness at the passing of things and a deep sensitivity to their ephemeral nature. That’s exactly how I feel in my life. It feels somewhat ‘unreal’ Barclay is not here with me to laugh with, joke with, travel with and everything in between. But I do take comfort in he’s not suffering anymore. It was a very difficult painful last 3 months of his life. Well, now to fall.

Fall is in full swing, here in N. Ca, I get the feeling of Mono no aware and Mujo, and wabi Sabi all rolled up together. We’ve had rain and cloudy days, as well as Tahoe-like days with big, fluffy clouds. I’ve had a few twinkly fires already, since the house stays cool even if it’s nice outside.

Just to back track a little here:

Barclay and I practised Zen Buddhism for many years after our Quaker roots seemed to fade away. However, Quakerism and Buddhism are very similar in fact. Both embrace simplicity and a WAY of life. Of course, Quakerism is rooted in a Christian context, and Buddhism in Eastern philosophy as taught by Buddha.

Right now, the impermanence of life is very real for me and maybe somewhat depressing. I am trying to embrace the Mujo concept because it does help me get through the day and realize that life does go on, and it will for me what whatever time I have left. Some of that is on my mind because of my rising kappa light chains and thinking about having to change treatments by January if they continue to go up.

I know that things will change, and I need to change too. But for now, I’ll try and take comfort in Mujo and mono no aware.

On a brighter note, my kids put together a very nice birthday for me. My son came and took a huge load to the dump( which I wanted done). We got a Round Table pizza, and my daughter had gone to Safeway for some small squares of cake to share. I didn’t have any champagne that day to celebrate, but I will soon.Turning 73 is not much different than 72 for me. The real change for me was at 70. Then I felt like I was getting old. Now, I’m old and just keep trying to do the things I love like swimming, walking, the gym and I hope some day in the near future doing some camping again. If i could afford the camper type van that’s what I’d do. We still ( my daughter and I) are going to check things out sometime in the spring. A small tent trailer is very doable, but I like the idea of self contained. Time will tell. Also, If I got one I’d get a loan so that the payment would be what we were paying for rubi. And we’d have the trailer as our trade in.

Well, I’ve rambled on a bit here, so that’s it for me. I do have the day home today after going to the gym yesterday, so I’ll do some tidying and make some sourdough bread.

Reorganizing for one.

Posted in California, cooking, Death, decluttering, husband, ikea, Uncategorized by

Actually, it is my daughter and myself here but the reorganizing is really for me without my husband.

I’ve been reorganizing his office area where he had his computer, files etc.

I’ve mostly cleared out B’s desk area and shelves. I’m leaving some things of his there as mementos. On the wall are some of his oldest Dylan records he had as a teenager. Some on Dylan’s first albums. The next step is to take the desk out since I have my desk area in a different space. His Ikea shelves I’ll leave there as my daughter has cleaned out and painted the studiio so some odds and ends are getting placed on the shelves. ( the star war figures and some other things). But old notebooks, plus all his UCD notes etc, I’ve tossed. I’m using some Ikea white cardboard boxes to keep his favorite T shirts and hats in for now. They’re on the shelves too.

His dresser, (an older Heywood Wakefield), I mostly emptied but havent put much back in there. I have his belt buckles in a box and then some trinkets of his in another box. The kids took the stuff they wanted so really all that’s left is some odds and ends besides the important stuff. The dresser will stay where it is in the bedroom because at night when I get up I use that to lean on to feel stable before I go into the bathroom.

In reorganizing the closet, I just have my jeans and T=shirts and some sweaters hanging plus what’s left of his. I have his UNFI jackets hanging there too. I’m certainly doing a lot less laundry and that is nice in a way, sort of. B always did the laundry so I’m doing some now but mostly my daughter takes out what I put in the laundry bag every few days. Usually, we’d do laundry,(one small load), a day.

Of course, I’m organizing my weeks differently since I don’t have all his medical appointments to do. Having cancer and getting treatment is a full time job especially when things are going wrong like needing platelets and blood transfusions. So now, it’s just my appts and they are pretty low key.

I’m still organizing my swim, gym and library days though. This week is different becasue I had 2 appts and the PGE tree guys are going to be here and I’m not sure if that’s going to end up one day or two or more. Even after the tree is down, the wood reclamation guys need to come get it all. So that leaves me not able to get to the pool or gym until maybe Friday?? Next week is also off since I have the sleep apnea test and that means going to Roseville one day to pick up and then another day to drop off so that will not leave me too many choices for swimming or the gym.

Reorganizing the kitchen and food prep is also ongoing. We are just not eating the same. I’m not sure if it’s because there’s one less person or if it’s just summer blues, but meal time has been difficult. I’m actually starting a list of what we’re actually eating as some stuff has been tossed because we’re not eating it. I’ve always done menu planning ,like forever, and that has gone out the window. I still have my meal plans but am just not using them. Maybe down the road, but with just the two of us, not sure if that’s necessary. I’ve gotten rid of extra dishes, pots and bowls too because we aren’t using half of it. I’ve also reorganized pantry stuff. I’m only using two of my Far Nienete wine crates for food storage. I still need to go through and see if anything is dated or not.

Simple Sunday and how things are going.

Posted in Blood test, budgets, California, camping, cancer, Death, freezer cooking, Walking by

Well, it’s been 2 months since Barclay died. Most stuff is handled, but there are still outliers. We need to sell the motorcycle and the trailer. We’re going to try for the motorcycle in September when it cools off. It may or may not sell. It’s a specific niche of a bike, so we’ll see. The trailer is another story, and I’m emptying it out slowly. Most of the camping stuff I’ll store so we can use it if we get the tent trailer.

Some things that need official death certificates, like the bank, I still need to do. Other things like PGE, and I’m just leaving alone for now. The water bill I got changed to my name alone. He had one cc in his name, and I’m leaving that too, as they will close that if it’s not used. I’ve put a lock on it, so that should be ok.

I’ve cleaned out some clothes, etc, and I have a few more things to do. Some favorite T-shirts I’m saving.

It’s definitely a strange place to be.

This coming week, I have my labs, and I’m getting another steroid shot in my knee. We also have PGE coming to take the big tree with a crane. They figured out the other big tree wasn’t in their system, although Barclay tried to get them to add it. Well, maybe another time. The one they’re taking is a huge tree with a lot of lean, and that’s why they need a crane. I’m concerned for our water line, but I will tell them to be careful how they drop tree parts. The other tree I suspect we’ll have to pay for at some point, but I can’t think about that now. So that’s going to be a very anxious day for me, as my anxiety goes way up with stuff like that. Usually, if B were here, he would handle it, and I would leave, but he’s not.

The rest of the week looks fine. Although I don’t know what day PGE is coming until Tuesday, when he’ll call me.

Right now, our weather has cooled and is quite nice. I’ve enjoyed sitting outside. Today is also nice, and then it looks like it heats up again later in the week.

My motivation to do things is very low. I’m pretty much forcing myself to go to the pool or the gym. I’m sure this will pass with more time, but for now, it’s weird for me to feel unmotivated. I did have a nice walk this morning, though. It’s been busy at the park during the week, so I’m not fond of passing 6 people walking, but today was empty, except for two guys fishing in the pond. In the past, when it got busy, I’d just go earlier and then no one’s there, but right now I’m not motivated to get there any earlier. 6:00 a.m. is about my limit, considering I get up at 5:30.

I’ve baked a few things in the Souper Cubes, and it’s loads of fun. I did banana bread and then zucchini bread. They are food-grade silicon, so you can bake right in them. Very cool. I froze most of it as my daughter and I can only get through so much.

Well, that’s it for the most part. just day by day.

Am I a minimalist??

Posted in books, California, Death, decluttering, home stuff, simple foods, simplicity, Uncategorized by

After reading the latest book,

I’m pretty sure that’s a spoof on her ‘author’ moniker.??

I wondered what I still had that was not really worth keeping. Or was it now something no longer needed? I’ve gone through a lot of shelves, drawers, closet ( we only have one closet) and took a hard look at things. Some things are left to deal with later, but a great deal was eliminated.

The author asks, “How do you want your home to ‘feel?’ “and then this is your why. I really want things to be simplified. It’s that simple. I want things to be uncomplicated and simple. Simple meals, simple house chores, simple maintaining the house, etc.

One of her tidbits was to go around your house and identify what irritates you or bugs you, and toss or throw them in the goodwill box. I like that idea.

This is part of the latest pile. 😦

Of course, having my husband just die is a motivator. Some of the things to let go of are those that I have no use for. Half-used notepads, a zillion pens, old T-shirts. ( I have saved some of his T-shirts like Grateful Dead, for now. I don’t know how I’ll feel in 6 months. Here I thought we had really prepared for his passing by getting rid of things, but honestly, it’s a shock what’s there. We have been on our minimalism journey for over 15 years, and here I am scratching my head going”why”?

As I’ve always contended, life is about change and trying to be in the season of your life as it is. I’ve never been here before, so I have to make the changes.

I’m not planning on canning in the near future, for example. So I don’t need a bizillion canning jars. I’ve given away on our Pay it forward group over 3 dozen jars. Now, of course, I’m holding back getting rid of my water canner and my All-American. Why? I don’t know, except I like canning, and I still might in the future. That is too early to tell, because this year, with Barclay dying, we didn’t have any garden. So time will tell on this one.

Even the yard stuff has been a lot. My son has done 3 trips to the dump already. And we still have at least 2 more that are mostly old wood. All this should have been done long before now. We’ve lived here 30 years, and well, stuff does accumulate, especially old wood from projects, scrap metal, old coolers, etc. I’m seriously thinking of hiring someone who does junk to get rid of it.

I suppose all things change as our attitude, circumstances, and perspective change. I’m glad mine is continuing to evolve and change with my current circumstances. I just wish Barclay were here to do this with me. 😦

Simple Sunday

Posted in budgeting, California, cancer, Death, decluttering, home stuff, husband, Walking by

The light is shifting in both the morning and evening. The other day was Lammas, so cross-quarter. For some reason, I always feel the shift, even if it’s 90 degrees out. My walk this morning at 6 am was nice, and again, it’s just a tad darker. No one showed up, which was unusual. Generally, there is at least one or two people. So that was nice. I’m still not up to a full mile yet with my knee, but I’m getting there.

Today, I plan to go to the Auburn gym and then drop a load off at Goodwill. It’s a bit of miscellany from around the house. I’ll do another round when I get motivated to go out to the garden shed. Since Barclay died, I haven’t had much motivation with things, but I guess that’s normal.

My son and daughter moved the trailer to a new spot, so the tires aren’t in the same spot. I haven’t been out there yet, but I will go out today. I also need to continue taking things out, like dishes. I won’t get rid of them because our plan is to get the tent trailer, so we’ll need stuff for that. I think the ease of pulling a tent trailer will suit my daughter and me.

We started watching the New Star Trek, with Captain Pike. It’s really quite good and really keeps to the Star Trek theme. It’s on Paramount, if you’re interested. I also watched the PBS production of Patience. It’s really a rerun of the French Astrid, but I enjoyed it. I also finished watching Murder on an Island, which takes place off the coast of Canada near French Quebec.

It’s my son’s birthday this week. 31 yo. Where does the time go?? He was a wonderful child, and he has grown into a wonderful young man. There are 9 years between my daughter and him, and he was a BIG surprise. I remember saying, I’M WHAT??? I was almost 42 when he was born.

Well, what things are you up to these days? I read a few blogs, but not as many as I used to. I do love peeking into other people’s lives. I guess that’s why I was a psychology major in college, and counseling in graduate school, and clinical psychology in a doctoral program, which I didn’t finish. No regrets, it was all a journey.

Simple Sunday

Posted in Blood test, California, camping, cooking, Death, home stuff, Walking by

I haven’t slept well on Dex these past few nights, so I feel like I’m running on empty. Hopefully, a nap today will catch me up. I go for my labs tomorrow and should have some results by Thursday. Fingers crossed it’s about the same. I felt so low, I didn’t even walk this morning, which is my favorite morning to walk.

Our weather is finally going to cool down, and next week looks super nice. I’d like to get back to eating out on the patio again. Plus, we can get more watering done if it’s not crazy hot.

We had a busy day yesterday with chores in town. We dropped off a load at Goodwill, went to the car wash, then down to the paint store. My daughter has a keen eye for color and picked some lovely shades of green for the studio. I picked up some misc we needed, like bee traps.

Then my son came over and did the metal load to the dump. He thinks there’s one more load of junk, and then the old wood would be the final trip for this year at least. I’m going to walk out there later and survey the situation. He hung around long enough for my brother to show up with tacos for us all. My brother needed my daughter to help him with some computer stuff. So all in all, a nice little family gathering.

I have my trip to the coast booked, and I’ll be bringing some of B’s ashes with me to scatter. It won’t be much, it’s sort of a token gesture. He loved that part of the coast, so it’ll be nice to be over there in his memory. After that, it’s still the Tahoe trip, but it’s completely undecided how we are doing it. I have the reservations(of course, because you have to book 6 months out), but I don’t really want to trailer with Rubi. We’re tossing around a few ideas, but nothing solid yet. I’m fairly sure I’m going to sell the trailer, but when is the question? Frankly, it’s too much for me to handle maintenance etc. Plus, I can’t drive the truck to even pull the trailer, and I have no desire to learn that. I don’t want the trailer just sitting there and not being used. So we’ll see. The thought has crossed my mind to see about a trade-in for something else, but I’m not sure what yet, so?? I guess these are the adjustments you just have to make when someone dies.

I’m staying home today and doing a once-around-the-house tidy up. I’ve washed inside windows and dusted. I have some brown rice cooking for dinner and plan on making a small rice chicken casserole. I have chicken shredded from the freezer that I want to use up.

I ordered a pair of compression socks from Bombas, and I hope they will help my legs. My knee seems to be doing ok, but my legs do get a sort of tired syndrome, so I’m hoping compression socks can help that. I guess that’s what nurses wear for their 12-hour shifts. I’ve decided I am going to get the next steroid shot, so I’ll call and see when I can get that. Does anyone wear compression socks regularly?

Other than that, not much else is happening. What’s happening in your neck of the woods? It’s always interesting to read about how other people live and the weather they have.

Simple Sunday on Monday

Posted in Blood test, books, California, cancer, Death, Myeloma, reading, Uncategorized by

This heat wave we’re having is doing me in. 96 yesterday and the same for today. Ugh. I think a bit of a cooling trend starts on Tuesday, but it’s not huge. I read all my library books, so I picked from my shelf some old Hillerman and looked through some decluttering books. You know I’m desperate when that starts happening. I do plan on going to the library tomorrow so I can get my hold and a few others as well. I was planning on going on Thursday after my Velcade shot, but my hold expires by then, so I need to get it before that.

Menu planning is still hit or miss these days. I still have the basic menu plan going of using things from the freezer and fridge, but I’m not super motivated. It’s probably a combination of the heat and just finding a new ‘normal’ balance. My daughter bought an air fryer on Prime Day, so she’s been experimenting with that. So far, she’s made sweet potato fries and wild cod in panko. Both excellent.

Sunday- used up a bag of Trader Joe’s chicken chow mein with added chicken.

Monday- Tofu something as I have 2 containers to use up. I also have some broccoli to use.

Tuesday- I’ve been feeling like crock pot pintos, so I think I’ll do that with tortillas and avocado if they’re ripe. I bought the bag(6) from Costco. It takes a while for them to ripen, but as soon as they start to ripen, I put them all in the fridge and they will last weeks in there.

Wednesday- I think we’ll do spaghetti with marinara and maybe some meatballs.

Thursday- Freezer meal of some sort. I need to go out to the chest freezer( that’s in our outside laundry room) and check.

Friday- I’ll make a pizza if it’s not too hot.

Saturday- ?? TBD

Today I’m going to meet my library friends for a coffee. They have been very supportive, and the one gal is the one whose husband died of Myeloma a few years back. His Myeloma came on very fast, he was in his 80s, and Sutter really didn’t address his issues or treatment till it was too late. It was very sad.

All in all, things are ok. I’m still cleaning out B’s desk of odds and ends, like pens and notebooks. Nothing major, just a little at a time.

I have my Velcade shot this week and then Dex days. Actually, the dex isn’t too awful when I do it between 2 days. It’s still Dex no matter what, but it’s less intense. Then I’ll go get my labs next week.

Friday Things

Posted in budgets, California, cancer, Death, frugalism, husband, peritoneal mesothelomia, Uncategorized by

I’m still processing things from Barclay’s death. It’s very weird, honestly, to be the person left to keep on going. I take some comfort in that he lived a good life and got to be 74, almost 75. Look at those poor kids in the Texas flood who didn’t get past 10. Very sad. The last year has been so hard watching his decline, and the last 3 months were pretty awful. He really didn’t have a chance with peritoneal mesothelioma. It’s just one of those cancers that you don’t get over and go into remission. I got the letter already from SS, which I’m happy about, so I don’t have to go into the office. I’m losing over $1000 a month, so quite a hit. I’m sure there will be ways to figure it out. I cancelled his UHC, so that and his Medicare covers almost $500. Insurance is outrageous. The rest, I don’t know. I do plan on selling the Triumph in a few months, so that will, if it sells, generate a few dollars. The totally weird thing was when I called Allstate to take him off as a driver, she said our insurance WILL GO UP ANOTHER $125. WYF??? After talking to our local agent, she got it to go up only $65, so half. The issue is his good driver discount being taken off. JFC, really? Oh well, done is done.

I’ve gotten through most of my list of things to do. There’s still the bank where I need to take him off our account, but I’ll get to it eventually.

As I said, very weird to deal with this stuff. We all miss him so much.

My daughter ordered this from Shutterfly. We hung it out on the upper patio where he spent the last 4 months of his life sitting when the weather was nice.

Frugal wise, I haven’t been spending too much. I did order a new Speedo from Amazon on Prime since I need a new one. I go through a swimsuit about once a year, with the chlorine from the pool. It was 30% off, so it was a good deal. I also bought some black frames for some watercolor pictures my daughter has done, and some that B did too.

I signed my daughter up as a user on my Costco card, so she went in after work and did some shopping. I appreciate the effort. Mostly it was flavored waters, olive oil, coffee, and some wild cod. She’s very susceptible to histamine attacks, so she’s been on a low-histamine diet, hence the fish purchase. The total came to a little over $100.

Our weather is very hot, and the coolers are running most of the day. If I close everything up, I can usually wait till 11 am, and I always turn them off by 8pm, even if it’s still hot out.

I started going to LLS every morning to apply for my grant, but so far, there’s no luck with funding. I’m hoping the wait isn’t too long, as I depend on that money for my insurance.

My son is using B’s truck since his car( older Subaru) is leaking oil. So he got off work early yesterday and took a load to the dump. There are still 2 more to go with metal stuff, and then the old wood from the chicken coop. It was hot yesterday, so I appreciate him doing it and getting it done. I’m pretty sure we’ll keep the truck, but unsure about Rubi. I just don’t know if I can emotionally handle going out in the RV without him. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see when the time comes, and we can plan something. My daughter has volunteered to be the driver, which she can totally handle; it’s more me dealing with it. Plus, Rubi is really designed for a couple, not 2 people. It’s one bed, and the couch does fold down, but it is very uncomfortable to sleep on. So another decision down the road.

Well, that wraps up what’s going on here.

How’s things in your world?? Summer plans?

Thankful Thursday

Posted in California, Death by

It’s been a week since B died. I miss him every minute.

I’m very thankful for all the work my daughter did to keep up with the meds, etc. At the end, it was quite intense of very 2 hours, so she did a great job.

I’m thankful to the hospice nurses as they were right on everything and so quick. When we needed the hospital bed, it was here in 3 hours and set up.

I’m thankful for the outpouring of love from his friends/coworkers on Facebook. He was much loved by his peers. There have been such nice comments about Barclay.

I’m thankful we are not under that heat dome like back east. Our temperatures are going up this next week, but still in the low 90s. So not too bad. We’ve had the coolers running, but that’s expected.

I’ve worked through some paperwork about B, but not all. I have to go get the physical copy of the death certificate, and I’ll do that next week. I’ve cleared off some things from his desk, but there’s still more to do. I also packed up some clothes for Goodwill, but there’s more to do there as well. I haven’t turned off his phone yet and will do that next week. That’s a hard one.

I got a nice phone call from Dr. Singhal about B and how sorry she was about it all. She is an extraordinary oncologist, and I know she did all she could. I did ask her to contact his BMB team from before when he had MDS, and she said she would. I’m sure they would want to know.

Well, that’s all the updates for now. Although, in other news, the tragedy on Lake Tahoe was just awful. We’ve seen squalls come out of nowhere, and those boaters shouldn’t have been out on the lake. Sad. And it was a birthday cruise for his mom. What a tragedy.

A beautiful evening to die.

Posted in California, cancer, Death by

Barclay died at 6:57 on Juneteenth. A fitting day for him as he was all about equality, diversity, and inclusion. He was a conscientious objector during the Vietnam War because of his Quaker beliefs. So Juneteenth was a perfect backdrop.

We were all there ( both kids and I), and it was a cool sunny evening. Death is never pretty, but he died as peacefully as expected.

At some point, we will take his ashes to the Lake Tahoe area and scatter them. There are quite a few things to take care of, but I figure I’ll get to them when I do. We had all the important stuff done, but now there’s still misc like removing him from different accounts and such. I’m not in any hurry, and like I said, I’ll get to it eventually.

I miss him. I guess after being with someone for 55 years, that’s expected. In some ways, we had a storybook life of adventure and travels. Money-wise, we never did that one very well, but here we are.

My daughter was amazing in the last few days, taking care of medication every 2 hours and keeping track of things. The nurses were all impressed with her efficiency. My son is having a harder time with it all, but he’s been here helping do stuff and move things back to where they go since we had a lot of equipment in here. Everyone grieves differently, and I suspect him keeping busy will help him.

Still smiling! He loves his Triumph motorcycle.

Up at Tahoe House in Tahoe City, ca

In healthier times.